May 14th, 2012. This was the day that changed the course of my life forever. It was the day that changed who I am and who I will forever be. I remember everything about that gorgeous Monday like it was yesterday. I woke up feeling normal. But as the day progressed, normal smells started to irritate me. The thought of my favorite foods made me sick. And the exhaustion hit me like a freight train.
I was officially seven days past my embryo transfer via In vitro fertilization (IVF) and I knew the possibility of life growing, developing, and nestling inside of my womb was real. And so, later in the afternoon, I found myself feeling hopeful in Walmart. I was dashing in between the aisles of shampoo and body wash, trying to avoid anyone I knew as I raced to “the aisle”. Once I arrived, I made one quick glance to the left, then to the right, ensuring that the coast was clear, and with no one I knew in sight, I quickly grabbed the box of First Response Early Responder pregnancy tests. I quickly stashed them underneath the loaf of bread (which I was only using as a cover up), and bolted to the nearest self-checkout lane.
I rushed home and scurried to the bathroom with my pants already unbuttoned and nearly to the floor. My heart was pounding. My hands were shaking. I was so nervous, yet excited. I remember standing there, anxiously watching and waiting. But friends, I didn’t need to wait long because within seconds, not minutes, I saw it. There were two glorious pink lines that my heart had been praying to see for years. And I crumbled. I slid my back against the wall and sank to the floor weeping because it worked. IVF had worked and I was finally going to be a mommy.
But that moment? This date in history? Those feelings I felt? The thoughts that raced through my mind? They are often tainted. Because the two lines that represented life growing inside of me? Never made it into my arms. And the announcement I had planned to make to my family? Well…it never happened. Unless of course you consider me telling my mom that I was pregnant and miscarrying all in the same sentence.
And it’s hard. And it sucks. It really sucks. But despite the pain, despite the sadness, and despite the dull ache in my heart that tries to seep its way into this day, as well as many other days, I choose to not focus on it. I choose to not dwell on what I have lost, but all that I have gained. Because while I lost the opportunity to hold my miracle in my arms on earth, I still gained a sweet, precious baby waiting for me to hold one day in heaven. A baby that I have hope to rock, sing sweet lullabies to, and possibly even have the opportunity to watch grow. And that my sweet friends is enough reason for me to look past the pain I feel today and celebrate in the hope I have for the future.
Read my full infertility story here.
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Big hugs!!! <3 XOXO
Keeping the faith that it will happen for you and you will hold a baby in your arms soon!
Awe thank you so much! You are such an amazing supporter, encourager and “friend.” I can’t thank you enough! xo
Beautiful post sweet lady. I can’t wait for you to get the sweet babe you are dreaming of.
Awe thank you so much sugars! I can’t wait either!! Hopefully it comes sooner rather than later. sigh 🙂
Such a beautiful way to write and remember that day. Your future is sooo bright and your attitude and faith is inspiring…lots of love to you E…xoxo
awe thank you so much sugars!! You are such an awesome fiend and supporter! I just adore you!
Lots of hugs! Those days can be very hard, but God is faithful to provide hope when we ask and need it. I am waiting in great anticipation for the littles he’s going to bring you! XO
Thank you so much you so much for the hugs girlie! I can’t wait to send you a picture of my positive pregnancy test one day. eek! I’m excited just thinking about it! xo
I’m sorry you had to experience that. I remember those same feelings exactly then just to be crushed with miscarriages. It truly devastating. I love your optimism through this though. I named my angel babies so when I meet them in heaven I could refer to them by name.
awe I am also so sorry for your loss. But how sweet it is that you named them! Hugs to you sugars! xo
Much love to you my friend. <3 XO
Thanks so much sugars!! xo
I think the loss of a baby during pregnancy forever changes a women. And, the perspective you are choosing to take is so healthy. So much love to you my friend.
Thank you so much sugars! I hope you have a fabtabulous weekend!
I’m so sorry. There aren’t words. I know.
Hugs!! Just you commenting and supporting me is enough 🙂 xo
these dates are so hard to remember. sending a big hug and hoping that soon you’ll get again two lines and that this time it’ll be your take home baby. xx
Thank you so much sugars! Hoping for that day.
I cried today, for you… for your post… for your baby…held in the arms of Jesus… hugs, warmth and healing are my prayers for you today.
Thank you for your sweet words of comfort. They mean so much to me. Xo
Hugs! I am so sorry this happened to you. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Thank you so much! xo
Thank you for sharing this piece of your story. I just miscarried last month and the feelings of pain and loss are still raw. My eyes welled up as I read your encouraging words reminding me that my baby is waiting for me in Heaven.
Oh sugars! I can still feel the pain I felt a month after mine when I go back to that time. And you are right. It is still so raw. Hang in there. You will get through this. And no matter what? You will always be a mommy. And one day? You will hold them. Rock them. Sing to them. And just love them for all of eternity. Sending you hugs! Xo
You are such a good role model to follow for positive thinking, even after so much heartbreak. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you so much Ang for stopping by and offering your sweet words of encouragement! It means so much to me. xo
I know this story so personally. I hate that I know it. I hate that you know it. I LOVE that you choose to have hope and joy and a positive perspective. That makes me smile. *Hugs*
Hey girl! I was so excited to see a comment from you. I feel like I hadn’t heard from you in forever. And girl…I am so sorry you know all too well what this feels like. But I can’t wait to one day be sitting with you in heaven rocking our babies. Love ya girl! xo
I know. I have been kind of flying below the radar for a while. I like the idea of rocking our babies together in Heaven. I can’t stop smiling now that I’m imagining that. Love you, too!
Elisha, I just started reading your posts as of yesterday evening when I was certain I had finally conceived, only to be awoke this morning by the wonderful Aunt Flow. The immense peace you brought over my heart made me focus less on being discouraged by this morning and so much more open and aware to God’s love and mercy that awaits us all. You have been on my heart since I opened your first blog and my prayers are with you. Thank you for doing this. Really. It’s so easy to feel alone in this situation, but you have made that a thing of the past by shedding light in all the dark corners of this issue. SO incredibly thankful for your emotional vulnerability and resiliency. God bless you and your precious family.
Oh hun! You don’t even know how much this comment meant to me. I actually just prayed yesterday about this blog…my waiting for baby bird facebook page…and wondering if I should continue with it because I was doubting if my words were helping anyone. You my dear, were the answer to my prayers! God used YOU to speak to me and I am ever so thankful for that! Please know that I am praying for you right now and I am believing that God is bigger than any problem we will ever face and His word is more real and true than any circumstance or diagnosis we will ever be given. His love…His grace…His word trumps anything. Much love you! xo