Just Write It from the Heart

Two hours. That is how long I have been typing. And then deleting. Typing. And then deleting. Typing. Annnd then…?  Yep!  You guessed it.  Deleting.  Why can’t I seem to find the words? It’s never this hard. But as I sit here, deleting the original post I had planned and started to write. And now obviously struggling to write this one?  I hear a voice whisper in my ear. And it says, “just write it from the heart.”  Uh?  But don’t I already do that?  Don’t I always write from the heart? And I do. Every single post is written from that place.  But can I be honest for a second? I don’t always write to you about the moments when life gets hard.  Or when I feel overwhelmed.  Or stressed.  I don’t always share with the world when everything seems to be turning upside down.  Or when I am fearful and worried.  Or when my heart feels like it could shatter at any minute.  I just don’t. I don’t always find it necessary. But tonight?  I’m going to listen to my inner voice.  And I’m going to write to you from the heart.  My heart.  And friends?  Right now?  It’s a scary place.  Because lately, it won’t stop staring at my circumstances.  And it won’t stop whispering words of fear.  And worry.  And heartache. Because when I stop writing for a second. And I listen to my husband read a Bible story to our foster princess in the next room?  I think about our court hearing tomorrow. And I become filled with anxiety at the fact that in the blink of an eye, she could go home. Or be placed with a relative. And just like that, I won’t need to add macaroni and cheese to my grocery list this week. Or the next. And the pretend sandwiches I have gobbled down for breakfast, lunch, and supper for the past 16 months?  Won’t be brought to my lap. Or those boo-boo’s she asks me to pray for every night?  Will no longer be said. Or at least by me. And lunch for two with Queen Elsa on the front patio?  Will become lunch for one. Queen Elsa two And it’s hard.  Goodness it’s hard.  But life is hard.  It’s not easy.  It’s painful.  And it hurts.  But life today is no different from how life was for me two days ago. So why is everything all of a sudden so unbearable? And what’s the cure for my anxious heart?  And how can I find my way back to hope? Or get back to the place where my faith is so strong that I not only believe I can climb over my mountains? But throw them? Because let’s be real for a second.  Trouble will always be present.  Doubt will always arise.  Fear will always come.  And worry will always want to wrap me up like a warm blanket.  So how? How can I protect my heart in this season of uncertainty?  I don’t know.  But these questions eat at me.  Because shouldn’t I know?  Shouldn’t I have the perfect Sunday school answers at the end of my finger tips?  I feel like I should.  And maybe I do.  But maybe I can’t take my mind off my circumstances long enough to remember them.  Which is likely.  Because in this moment?  I honestly can’t think of anything else but the uncertainties of tomorrow and the months to come.  And I can’t see anything else in my mind but an empty closet where she once hung her clothes. Or an empty bed that she once snuggled inside. I can’t.  Or can I?  Because as I pause from writing this to wipe away my tears.  I look up on my wall.  And I see it.  There it is.  My cure.  And it is written on the glass of an old, beat up window frame.  And it says…

“Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God…~John 14:1” 

So tonight, as I turn out the lights.  And I close my eyes.  I will rest in the cure.  And I will stop allowing my heart to be troubled by thinking and envisioning the moment I no longer have lunch with the Queen.  Or the day I don’t get to eat a pretend sandwich for breakfast.  Or the first night I am not able to pray for her every boo-boo.  And instead, I will trust.  I will trust in His wisdom.  In His protection.  In His love.  In His faithfulness.  And ultimately, in His perfect plan.  Because I know she isn’t just my little princess that I would do anything to protect.  But His little princess too.

With Love


I would love to get connected with you on a more personal level. So if you liked this post, pass it on.  And then click here to find Waiting for Baby Bird on Facebook.  Or come follow me on Instagram at @waitingforbabybird.  I seriously can’t wait to “meet” you!

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31 thoughts on “Just Write It from the Heart

  1. Oh, my word! That picture is so sweet! I am so sorry you have to go through these tumultuous times, Elisha. I trust God will allow her to come home with you tomorrow…it must be so hard to deal with the uncertainty. Praying for you!

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  2. Thinking of you, Elisha! I can’t imagine how hard this is. In the end I don’t think there is any way to protect our hearts (although I’ve spent a lot of time trying). We just have to be vulnerable and, as you said, trust in God. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Please keep us updated!

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  3. Elisha trust in the Lord she will be coming home with you!! Praying for God to take control on courts hearing he will lead the way… Hugs
    (Seeking God in Infertility and Child Loss)

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  4. Praying right now for “fullness of joy” … an impossibility if it weren’t for Christ and His Grace. My mama just told me yesterday (when I was sitting in stunned silence, reading about a mama who lost her 4-year-old unexpectedly on Mother’s Day) that there is not Grace for the “What If” game. Grace only exists in the day that it is needed. In the moment. Not in the fear. Not in my fear of losing Abby. But, in the challenges of TODAY there is Grace. I’ve yet to master this, but perhaps these words will give you a bit of peace this morning. Big hugs. XOXO

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  5. Oh Hon, I am sorry that you’ve been feeling troubled. I imagine, that if I were in your shoes, I would be feeling the same way. Praying that you will feel peace and comfort today and that you will be able to continue to buy mac and cheese and have Queen lunches with your Sweet Goldilocks! Love to you, my Friend!

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  6. Oh Elisha my heart is aching for you and that sweet angel right now. Saying lots of prayers that your heart is protected as well as that sweet little girl.

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  7. Thank you so much for being so vulnerable with us and for the faith you display in these difficult times. It’s truly inspirational. I know a tiny bit of what you’re going through as I used to be a full-time (50hrs a week) nanny for two little boys. I watched them for about two years and giving them up was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I’ve heard that we are called to love deeply but loosely, but it can be so difficult when all we want to do is cling to our dear ones. I will be praying for you, so hard. God is going to be with you, every step of the way, and I know He takes pleasure from the trust you put in Him. May He bless you richly!

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  8. I love the bible verse today. In my own little world of worry and anxiety, it helps me to refocus on God, if only for a little bit. Thank you. Thinking of you. ❤

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