1. Everyone in the house knows what the “plastic cup” is for and they dare not touch it.
2. When your http:// window auto completes fertilityfriend or any other fertility website as soon as you type “www.”
3. When it feels so wrong to pee in the toilet and just pee–it’s almost as if you feel guilty for not peeing IN or ON something.
4. You schedule your social events, work related trips, and vacations around ovulation day. (Obviously this one is not for me considering my dear husband went on his scheduled camping trip this past weekend despite having my amazing smile on a OPK the day before his departure.)
5. Every month you come up with a different idea of how you are going to tell your darling husband that you are finally pregnant.
6. The mere thought of stretch marks, nausea, heartburn, fatigue and gaining 30 extra pounds makes you over the moon and head over heels excited.
7. You have several books on fertility and they are on your nightstand, next to the toilet, hidden in your desk drawer at work, and stashed away in your purse (there might still be one tucked away in the glove compartment box of the car). You have not only read them once, but fifty times; forwards and backwards and each section has been highlighted and marked on.
8. You wear knee-length tube socks in 110 degree weather because you read once it helps create a warm and inviting uterus.
9. You are on a special fertility diet as carbs, sugar, and anything containing even a smigion of gluten hasn’t touched your lips in ages.
10. You have written a good-bye letter to your coffee and it went a little something like this:
11. You suffer from “Trying to Conceive” amnesia. This is a condition in which a woman trying to conceive for any length of time forgets how lucky and blessed she is in her daily life with amazing family, friends, home, employment, and health.
12. You have “I should have been pregnant by now” conversations with yourself.
13. When you find yourself counting pregnant women while at the gym, shopping at the grocery store, waiting on a table at a restaurant, etc. There’s one…There’s one…There’s one…Oh wait, nope she isn’t one…thank goodness.
14. When you have encouraging quotes and scriptures plastered all around your house, on the dashboard of your car, scrolling across your screen saver and written in lipstick on your bathroom mirror in order to help remind you to never give up.
15. You stopped wearing all forms of deodorant because you read somewhere that it was affecting your fertility. (However let it be noted that this new drastic measure is now the reason you are receiving strange looks by the person sitting next to you at staff meetings.)
16. When you do a headstand after baby making sex and realize you could have been a member of the Cirque du Soleil.
17. You are the Designated Driver (DD) and I’m not talking about giving your less than sober friends a ride home. I’m talking about you always being the responsible one for driving Grandma Sue home, doing quick favors or running an errand simply because you do not have children.
* Can you drive Aunt Sally home tonight? I would ask your sister but she has the baby.
* Can you stop and get ice for the family reunion? I would ask your cousin but she has the baby.
* Can you make two side dishes instead of one? I don’t want your sister to worry about making one to bring because she is pregnant and could use the rest.
18. You have used a pregnancy test three days past ovulation just in case you had your ovulation date wrong. (Yep! That was me this weekend.)
19. When spontaneous sex is a thing of the past.
20. When you have your own trying to conceive vocabulary. Examples include:
- Hormonophobia: the fear of saying the wrong thing to a friend, family member, boss or co-worker while on fertility medicine or in the two week wait.
- Preggozone: the magnetic area around all infertile women that draws expectant mothers into close viewing range; NOTE: the first day of any cycle has the greatest magnetic force, closely followed by any day on which a woman trying to conceive fails a pregnancy test.
- Hormotional: easily rattled emotional state brought on by hormonal surges; especially symptomatic of women on fertility drugs.
- Yearnation: the overwhelming urge to urinate while unable to open the foil wrapper of your ovulation prediction test.
- Eggscavation: the process of removing follicles from the ovaries.
21. When you have read every last article on Google as to why you might not be pregnant and have come up with a possible treatment plan to present to your doctor in addition to your charts and graphs.
22. You begin peeing on pregnancy tests 9 days past ovulation and by day 14, actual test day, there are already more than 20 used test sticks in your bathroom trashcan.
23. When someone says to you, “trying to have a baby is so much fun!” and all you can do is roll your eyes.
24. You now speak fluently in “trying to conceive” (TTC) acronyms:
* I’m on CD 13, my CF is mostly EWCM and my CP is high.
* My DH and I suffer from PI and he has LSP and I have PCO, but my RE isn’t concerned we won’t get PG despite also having a shorter LP and possible ENDO.
* I used FMU on an HPT and got a BFN.
* My FM, BBT, and OPK all suggest I might have had OV on CD 17, but my RE confirmed via US and BW that I did not.
* Yesterday I had an IUI, but in order to increase my chances of a BFP on a HPT, me and my DH went ahead and BD. Cheer’s to the TWW and P4 supplements.
25. You have literally taken a pregnancy test apart after using it. Why? So you can take the paper strip out and hold it up closer to a light just in case the pink line is too faint to see through the display window. Logical right? I do it every.single.time.
Thank you for reading this edition of “Laughing Your Way through Infertility” and if you need some additional humor or missed Part One of, “25 Signs You Are Trying to Conceive,” then you can find it by clicking here.
As always, I hope you have a great week and don’t forget to find time to laugh and enjoy the journey while you are on the path to reaching your destination.
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