Laughing Your Way through Infertility:
1. When someone says they are “temping” and you don’t even consider they are talking about a part-time job.
2. On any given night there are more pillows under your tush than under your head.
3. When you have promised yourself that “this month you are not going to stress or even think about” your two-week wait, but know that you are and it’s almost impossible not to even as you say it.
4. When you see a pregnant woman and think the following:
A. I wonder if she did IUI or IVF
B. I wonder what medications she took…Metformin? Clomid?
C. I wonder if she took any special vitamins
D. I wonder if she was on a special fertility diet?
E. All of the above (Because clearly she didn’t get pregnant the “old-fashioned” way)
5. You keep staining your underwear because you refuse to buy feminine products in hope that THIS is THE cycle you won’t need them.
6. You examine your toilet paper and read it like they are tea leaves telling you the future.
7. When you know where the best light is in your house in order to get a good clear unmistakable view of the pregnancy test strip.
8. When your menstrual cycle begins and you imagine and still have hope that it is just spotting or late implantation bleeding.
9. When you hesitate to purchase new clothes because you think, “What if I am pregnant soon?”
10. You consult your frenemy, Doctor Google, several times a day by asking the following:
- What are my chances of a positive pregnancy test at 9dpo?
- Early pregnancy symptoms 2 days past ovulation…3 days past ovulation…4 days past ovulation and so forth
- My right breast feels more swollen than my left, am I pregnant?
- My right leg is starting to go numb. Is this a sign of ovulation?
- When I stood up, I got dizzy. Is this a sign of pregnancy?
- How early does implantation begin?
- I just took a pregnant test but it was negative. What are the chances it could be positive?
11. Your waitress asks you how you would like your eggs and you either begin sobbing or blurt out, “Fertilized!”
12. You begin to cry when you see a family of traveling ducks cross the street.
13. When you go on a vacation and your “trying to conceive” paraphernalia takes up more space in your suitcase than your makeup, toiletries, and shoes combined. Included in your bag are:
- Basel Body Thermometer
- Your Basel Body Temperature Chart (if you are old school and do not have the app on your iPhone)
- Infertility Books
- Prenatal Vitamins, B Vitamins, CoQ10 Vitamins, Iron Vitamins, Folic Acid, Zinc, Baby Aspirin, Omega 3, Calcium, the list goes on…
- Extra Pillows to prop your tush up in the air
- Ovulation prediction test sticks
- Fertility medication/needles/alcohol swabs/bio-hazard disposable container
- A small cooler to help store and keep your fertility medication cold
14. When you have had some of the best conversations with your husband and/or Twitter buddies while holding your legs up in the air for 30 minutes after Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow.
15. When you get up in the morning, pee without thinking and then freak out because you realize that you forgot to pee on yet another ovulation prediction stick. Nothing worse than wasting first morning urine!
16. When someone asks you what day it is and your mind immediately thinks of the calendar day of your menstrual cycle or what day past ovulation you are on. “It’s Calendar Day 12″ or “It’s 8 days past ovulation and two days until I start peeing ferociously on pregnancy tests.”
17. When your Dear Husband gets up from “pollinating your flower” and helps you prop your tush on twenty pillows, while handing you a book, kissing your forehead and saying, “See you in half an hour” before going to watch television.
18. When you wake up at 4am and instead of getting upset that you have to work in a few hours, you worry that you have now messed up your basal body temperature.
19. When your breasts are sore, however not because of your hormones but rather because you have been squishing them like play dough.
20. In conjunction with number 19, you realize that you touch your breasts more often than your Dear Husband.
21. You have started wearing maxi pads again due to unclear evidence that tampons negatively affect your fertility.
22. When you suffer silently from Infertility Vision (IV). It is defined as the ability to see two pink lines that nobody else can see. It is a very common condition among “pee on a stick addicts” during the days leading up to the official test day. Research is still being done, but at the present time there is no cure.
23. When your friend tells you they feel sick and your first thought is, “Dang it! I bet they are pregnant. I wanted to be first!”
24. When you repeatedly look at your Basel Body Temperature (BBT) chart several times during the day, as if the temps may magically change in your favor.
25. You refer back to this post as a checklist
Thank you for reading this edition of “Laughing Your Way through Infertility” and if you need some additional humor or missed the last post, “The Eleven Commandments of Trying to Conceive,” then you can find it by clicking here.
As always, I hope you have a great week and don’t forget to find time to laugh and enjoy the journey while you are on the path to reaching your destination.