The Comic Section

The Ten Commandments of Trying to Conceive

Elisha

I. Thou shalt not treat thy home pregnancy tests with disrespect. A used negative test shall remain in a peaceful resting place in thy trash can. Furthermore, a line doeseth not count if thou drew on it with a felt tip pen. A home pregnancy test shall also not be broken in half, taken apart nor gazed upon for two hours under different lighting effects. Thoust should also not test during menstruation, one day past thou ovulation, or thrice every 24 hours during the first nine days past ovulation. Doing so is committing the “Trying to Conceive” sin of “extreme obsessiveness” and is punishable by despair and discouragement.

II. Thou shalt not commit the dreadful sin of sharing “Too Much Information” with thy mate. If thou chooses to break this commandment and discuss thy glorious egg white cervical secretions with thy mate, thou punishment will be that the glorious member of thy mate will shrivel under the power of such dark arts.

III. Thou shalt not lie. The correct reading for thy basel body temperature (BBT) is the first number taken upon the break of dawn. Therefore, do not continue to take additional readings if thy doesn’t get the reading thy wishes. Furthermore, do not attempt to warm thyself with blankets or shake thy thermometer vigorously and unnecessarily in order to obtain the body temperature thou desires for this will not bring ovulation to thee.

IV.  Thou shall ask for support. Thy mate doeseth not noeth how to readeth thou mind. Therefore, thou should keep him informed if one is being hormotional and he is approaching the dangerous territory of “frying pan on head.” Thou shall also seek support from thy closest friends, family members, God, and other infertile sisters in times of hopelessness, doubt, discouragement, and despair for they shall encourage and uplift thy fellow friend.

V. Thou shalt not fall into “Google” temptation. Thou must not Google during thy two-week wait. If one does fall victim to this type of prey, thou shall expect any of thy symptoms will guarantee pregnancy as someone, somewhere had that same symptom and was pregnant.  For instance, if one does Google, “drooled more in your sleep?” Google will determine one is pregnant. “Rash on your left knee?” Pregnant. “Pee smell funny?” Pregnant.”Dog peed on belly?” Once again, pregnant.

(For more reasons as to why it is not healthy to Google during thou two-week wait, please read, “I Must Be Pregnant Because…” )

VI. Thou shalt not kill sperm. Do not allow thy dearest husband to sit in a hot tub, sauna, or jacuzzi as such illegal activity is dangerous and may cause thy swimmers to be boiled alive. If thou does allow said husband to do so, thou will be charged with a possible “Big Fat Negative” this cycle.

VII. Thou shalt not take symptom spotting to the degree of ridiculousness, nor bring symptoms upon thyself. Nausea may be brought forth by the fruit of thy womb.  Alas, it may also be brought forth by thy acid, illness, or the chicken of questionable repute thou devoured last sunset. Thy breasts will also be sore if thou pokes and prods them repeatedly to see if they are sore whilst sitting at the stop light or in ones cubicle at work. Thou must also be warned of becoming susceptible to mood swings if thou does break commandment VI and chooses to Google perceived symptoms. On this dreadful note, if thou does indeed break such commandments and Google’s, “Is making curtains a sign of early pregnancy” thou will find affirmation on page 106. You were warned.

VIII. Thou shalt not put an end to living thy life whilst awaiting success. Neither thy zumba class nor driving over speed bumps shall dislodge the embryo from thy womb. Thou will also not be fruitful sooner if thou abides within thy home like a hermit and ceases to communicate with civilization. Thou will feel bored and lonely, therefore giving into the all-powerful temptation to instantly and constantly “pee on a stick,” thus breaking the first commandment. Tsk.Tsk.

IX.  Thou shalt not covet. Thou must keep in perspective thy neighbor, sister, friend, Wal-Mart cashier, coffee shop barista, colleague, and family dog most likely did not become pregnant with child to taunt thyself. Begrudging thy neighbor joy does not maketh thyself pregnant, but rather miserable with thou guilty conscience. If thou does need to weep, thou shalt do it away from their sight and not be condemned. Thou shall also not be condemned if one eats a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream afterward while snuggled in bed underneath a pile of covers.

X. Thou shalt not lose hope. If thou does not get a “Big Fat Positive” this cycle, thou shall not give in to the temptation of waving thy white flag. Thou shall instead weep if needed but keep moving forward and never give up on believing thy miracle will come to fruition whether it cometh through natural conception, adoption, or other such means directed by God. Thou must believe one will be blessed and welcome the gift of a child to thy humble abode.

Thank you for reading this edition of “Laughing Your Way through Infertility,” and as always, I hope you have a great week, and don’t forget to find time to laugh and enjoy the journey while you are on the path to reaching your destination.

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62 thoughts on “The Ten Commandments of Trying to Conceive”

    1. So glad you got a chuckle! I get so nervous posting these every week because I don’t want people to be offensive or think I am laughing AT THEM. I’m seriously just laughing at myself. Writing these each week can be such a good stress reliever. I’m glad you also find the humor in them. 🙂 xo

  3. It’s definitely #6 for me! Google is my enemy. Next cycle I think I’ll lock up all electronic devices in a vault. Number 11 was a perfect way to end it. It’s hard not to be discouraged and wonder when to “wave the white flag.” Weep, move forward, and don’t stop believing. (I feel the need to break out in song now!)

    1. haha! Break out into a fertility dance while you are at it 🙂 hehe! That was another Monday Funnies post I think…they seem to all be running together at this point. LOL!

  7. I don’t do many of these anymore. Some of them I have never done. I do number 2 a lot though. Bob knows exactly when my CM is creamy, watery, or egg white. 🙂

    1. hehe! I’m so glad you got a good giggle! I’m curious to see if he will think they are funny. My husband never thinks my Monday Funny posts are funny. hehe

  12. This is so funny! I totally break #3 all the time. I figure that if I don’t like my BBT I should just take it again bc obviously the thermometer is just cold from being out all night. And the one about the hubby in the hot tub…. Yeah. We went to the hot tub in our neighborhood and the whole time I was thinking about what it was doing to his lil swimmers! Ugh. Thanks for the funnies!

  13. Dang, I seriously do ALL of those far too often. Except the birth canal. I worry too much about infections to poke thou cervix too often. HA! Love this, hilarious!

    1. oh the pressure is on to continue! I’ll be honest, I feel like I am running out of material. I gotta get more creative 🙂

    1. hahaha! I remember the first time I told my hubby it was go time due to the cervical mucus I just spotted. It was hilarious and I don’t think I shall do it againith! lol

    1. Thank you for the compliment but no thank you to the book! LOL! That just sounds like a stressful thing to do! lol!

  17. Forgive me for I have sinned. Several time actually. With Number VI. I did it today too.
    Great list. Had fun reading it! x

  18. Lately it’s been #9. Ever since finally getting our BFP I’ve been having some pretty irrational fears (previous miscarriage to blame). I got excited over a touchdown at the football game yesterday and jumped up and down and then cried last night because I was afraid I had hurt our babies. This is going to be a long 9 months..

    1. I totally understand that! But try not to worry…worry is like a rocking chair…it gives ya something to do but gets ya nowhere 🙂 xo

      1. Good point. I’m trying my best! Just trying to pray when I start worrying. These crazy hormones don’t help though! LOL I think I’ll feel better when I get a little farther along.

      2. Praying for you 🙂 I know it’s not easy ;/ Next time you start to feel that fear and anxiety creep in, just give it to the Lord and start thinking of only positive things…such as you holding the babies, rocking them, singing to them, etc.

  20. Mine is definitely #6 i have completely stopped testing everything but if i feel a little pain or my dogs act different I’m seeking advice from dr google lol

  24. I have given up my google obsession so I must admit I hit Xl this past week when I started my cycle right when I was about ready to go buy a pregnancy test. 🙁

    1. ugh! So sorry girl! I too have given up on my Google obsession but that’s only because I think I have all the answers memorized :/ Don’t give up hope!

      “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful!” Hebrews 10:23

      xo

  26. Haha! It’s all SO true! 🙂 Great job…you have a way with writing humor! I couldn’t write it if my life depended on it!

  29. I love it! So funny and so true! 😀 😀 You would be proud of me, I decided to pray that I wouldn’t feel ovulation this month, and also that whenever it does happen, it would be a surprise BFP with ONE test, not testing daily just because I can. Now I’m singing Frozen’s Let it Go because I’m continuing to trust God for each day as it comes. hehehe

  30. Lol! I love this one! I would definitely say I’m MOST guilty of #9.

    “Thou shall also not be condemned if one eats a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream afterwards while snuggled in bed underneath a pile of covers.” THAT made me laugh out loud in the middle of a crowded NYC subway. DURING RUSH HOUR!! Lol.

  32. Oh my goodness!!! ILOVE these. They are all soooo true and good. And, they made me laugh, ironically enough.

  33. Pingback: 25 Signs You Are Trying to Conceive (Part One) | waiting for baby bird

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