Since I am in my two-week wait, I can affirm that for any woman who is trying to get pregnant, it can be pure torture. You promise yourself you will just wait it out, distract yourself with other activities such as knitting, scrap booking, exercising (but not too much as it might disrupt a cozy uterus), or movie watching and you won’t even think about taking a pregnancy test until you are at LEAST one day overdue. However something happens three days past ovulation–your breasts start hurting in a slightly different way than the month before, you become a tad bit nauseous when you smell your favorite pizza, you have some spotting (must be implantation bleeding), or nothing starts happening all together. Regardless, of your symptoms or lack thereof, you can’t think, sleep, or work and so you start taking home pregnancy tests days before they are even possibly meaningful. You are deep in the abyss of the dreadful TWO WEEK WAIT! How will you survive?!
In my opinion, it is no use advising some women to stop obsessing. Therefore, I will just give a list of more productive and unconventional ways to obsess. So without further ado, are you ready for this week’s edition of “Laughing Your Way through infertility?” If so, I present to you…
1. First and foremost, delegate the burden of the two-week wait. Clearly someone has to think about whether there is a bun in the oven constantly during this time, but does it have to be you? NO! Divide the days up among your best friends and closest family. On their assigned day they are required to think, wonder and worry all day about whether you are pregnant or not. Also, they have to report to you any “symptoms” of sore breasts, excessive urination, nausea, fatigue, vivid dreams, food aversions, etc…This could be comical as you will be surprised how many people, male and female, have early pregnancy symptoms if they just look for them.
2. Clean out your wardrobe. The purpose of this activity is to make room for maternity clothes you will soon be buying. I suggest trying on everything and yes, if you wish, you may stuff a pillow underneath your shirt in order to see what will work or not work as maternity wear. However, please refrain from taking any “selfie” mirror pictures of you like this and posting them on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or Snapchat.
3. Plant a hope garden…a hope rosebush…a hope tomato plant…a hope pear tree…it doesn’t matter what you plant. I just recommend you plant something. Because if you want to grow something inside of you, then sister-roo, let’s start by growing something outside of you. And I want you to nurture it. Feed it. Give it water. Talk to it. Sit with it. But whatever you do, don’t send out birth announcements.
4. Take a walk around the block. Borrow a stroller from your fertile friend and take a walk around your neighborhood so that you can figure out what will be the best route for smooth strolls with a baby. I suggest you find areas with nice pavements, easy curbs, lots of shade and very few barking dogs.
5. Give your lady bits a pep talk.
- “Eggs! I need you to be better than Egglands Best! You are instructed to be happy, healthy and free from all chromosome abnormalities. I’ve got some high standards and I need you to fulfill them and be PERFECT! Don’t make me get angry!”
- “Uterus. I don’t know what you are doing in there, but I’m going to need you to stop it, and start growing a lining like you are a bear stocking up for hibernation, caphiche? Have you ever heard of a hysterectomy? You are THIS close my friend, shape up or get SHIPPED OUT”
- “Hormones! What is your malfunction? You seem to be on a roller coaster. One cycle you are going up, the next cycle you are crashing down. Let’s get it together and be balanced for once, okay? Estrogen I need you to pull it together. Progesterone, wake up! Insulin, let’s come down a bit; there is no need to be an overachiever. No if’s, and’s or but’s about it!”
- “Listen here spermies! You better wake up, bulk up and get moving. Got it?! It’s time you start reading the road map, following all road signs and head in the right direction! There is one very anxious eggy waiting for you and you better not let it down. It’s time to swim like you are Micheal Phelps! Mmkay?”
For more ideas, visit “The Pep Talk” by clicking here.
6. Paint your toenails. I suggest you find the perfect shade of pink and blue nail polish so that you can alternate the colors on each toe nail and as you bend over to paint your little piggies. And while you are bending over, I want you to imagine how difficult this will become once you are pregnant.
7. Swim laps in the pool. As you do, think about the sperm and how they need to swim to your egg. As you take each stroke, imagine you are the sperm, the end of the pool is the egg, then GO GO GO GO! I recommend you not wear a tail or anything silly…this activity is strictly a mental thing so imagine quietly. You don’t want to be kicked out of the pool or sent away to live in an insane asylum.
8. Make lists! I LOVE LISTS! Seriously! If you don’t already make daily lists, then you need to start. Especially during your two week wait. The first list I want you to make is a complete list of all the people you will tell when you get pregnant. Then spend some more time putting them in order. Now go ahead and make another list of all the little jobs you will need to get done instead of obsessing over the two-week wait. You can go ahead and list all of the healthy activities you intend to do but know will never get done. I also suggest you list all of the girl and boy names you like and then practice each one to see if it’s fun and easy to write. I am a huge promoter of making lists because they are helpful and most importantly they are great for passing time rather than actually doing something.
9. Prepare a folic acid feast. Your taste buds won’t be happy with this one…buuuuut, they don’t matter right now anyway. So go ahead and start off with either Cream of Broccoli soup or a kale salad, followed by spinach lasagna and whole grain garlic toast, and end with a frozen orange juice sorbet. You may dedicate this entire meal to your baby to be but do not set up a high chair at the table in his or her honor.
10. Take a photography class. Why? So that you can really learn how to work all of the buttons and settings on your fancy smancy camera in order to be able to capture the 1 million (give or take a few) photos you plan on taking of your newborn during their first week of life. I also suggest you maybe even take a few practice pictures of your family members who have children or babies, but whatever you do, don’t sit behind a tree at the local park taking practice pictures of little kids playing….this is creepy and could get you arrested…just sayin.
11. Create a dance to increase the blood flow to your uterus. Don’t have any dance moves? It doesn’t matter! Just go ahead and choose whatever music speaks to your soul and make up a dance routine anyway. I want you to let loose and move those hips! Rotate your belly! Shake that bum! But please, close those curtains!
12. Write 12 things to do during the two-week wait and post it on the internet. For me, this has killed nearly three hours. Now what?! UGHHHHHH!
Thank you for reading this edition of “Laughing Your Way through Infertility” and if you need some additional humor or missed the last post, “It’s Picture Day”, then you can find it by clicking here. As always, I hope you have a great week and don’t forget to find time to laugh and enjoy the journey while you are on the path to reaching your destination.