The Comic Section

My Breasts Will Have the Answer

Elisha

Imagine with me: It is just a few days before your expected period, and you are frantically searching the internet for early pregnancy symptoms with every slight twinge, cramp, and food aversion you have. For days you have been keeping a close eye on the fatigue you are now experiencing at dinner time and the increased trips to the bathroom while at work.  However, despite these clear and solid signs of early pregnancy, you truly believe that above all else, your breasts will give you the answer you need as to if there is a baby on board.

Every few hours, you are constantly giving them a thorough examination. In fact, it is a better examination than when a doctor gives you a mammogram. For starters, first thing in the morning, after you arrive home from work, and just before your evening shower, you check yourself out in the mirror to examine those boobies in all their glory. As you stand to the left and right, before finally facing forward, it is there that you can’t help but notice they look different from the day before. And so you begin to examine them closely in the mirror, inspecting for the big dark blue veins your pregnant best friend said you would have, and you think you can see them…or maybe just one…that is the size of a thread. Nonetheless, you have one!

YIPPEE!

You become giddy and excited as your right breast seems to be heavier than your left breast. Not to mention you notice that each one feels more tender and sore than usual.  Therefore, as you rush to tell your husband, he quickly dashes away any hope that you had risen inside of you. Because it is there, at that moment, he sweetly and gently reminds you that the soreness you are experiencing could be because you were constantly poking and prodding them throughout dinner. And so, while rolling your eyes and ignoring his lack of knowledge regarding early pregnancy symptoms, you continue with your investigation, and low and behold, your right side is definitely more tender. OUCH! Without hesitation, you quickly run to your computer and ask Dr. Google, ‘tender breasts four days before period.’ Of course, you find a slew of answers from all of your trusted pregnancy and trying to conceive forums telling you that you might be pregnant! In fact, it’s a strong possibility!

Hot Dog!

With more confidence, later that evening, you go back to examining, looking for any new developments, and you can’t decide if they are still looking bigger. Therefore, you decide to ask your husband for his opinion…again. Why would you do that? Did you forget his lack of support the last time you solicited his thoughts regarding the matter? Nonetheless, you ask, and he takes a look but doesn’t give you the answer you want to hear… “Sorry, babe, your boobs look the same to me.”

Wrong answer, dear husband. Wrong answer.

So, the next day, still keeping a close eye on your tata’s, you go to the grocery store, and while squeezing the peaches and looking for the ripe ones, you realize you hadn’t squeezed your own ‘peaches’ since the Hamburger Helper aisle; therefore you go ahead and give them another good ‘honk.’ You can’t help but smile realizing they are indeed still tender. Later that same day, you go downstairs to start watching your favorite television show, “Teen Mom” (insert sarcastic infertility humor), and you can’t help but analyze whether it was the quick and hard bounce that made them hurt or if it is indeed because they are becoming increasingly tender. I’m voting for tender.

 But let’s not forget about those nipples while we are focusing on just the breasts, okay? Because of WOWZA! You have never examined your nipples so much in your life. “Are my nipples looking a little too brown or pinker? I’m 100 percent convinced that my left nipple looks different today…I think…” With your computer nearby, you page Dr. Google once more and ask, ‘darker colored nipples an early pregnancy symptom?’  The well-respected Google Doctor of the trying to conceive community tells you once more you might be pregnant! Whoo-hoo! You love this doctor!

But then the crusher comes.

Within hours of planning your pregnancy announcement and picking out paint colors and fabric swatches for the nursery, you get your period. And it is within minutes afterward that your breasts have immediately stopped hurting, as well as returned to normal size… if not one size smaller. Dear husband was right…as always.

Stupid Google Doctors.

Thank you for reading this edition of “Laughing Your Way through Infertility.” As always, I hope you have a great week, and don’t forget to find time to laugh and enjoy the journey while you are on the path to reaching your destination.

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95 thoughts on “My Breasts Will Have the Answer”

  2. I was a victim of boob squeezing and nipple prodding. This cycle hasn’t been so bad but since surgery they seem to start hurting about a week before I’m due.

  3. I’m laughing because I read this post just as I returned back to my desk after going to the bathroom for the one hundredth time today….much much more frequently than usual!! I must be pregnant!! Ha!! Xx

    1. bahaha! It could be a sign…but if I were you, I would give your boobies a “honk” because that’s the only way to know. tehehe

  5. I was once busted in the bathroom at work and I had to make up an excuse about how my bra was uncomfortable and I’d just been readjusting. No not squeezing, adjusting…

  7. Clearly I’m a twelve year old boy – I laughed out loud at the word “boobies” and “honk”. And then grabbed mine to see if they hurt or feel different (they don’t. duh 🙂 )

    I love these Monday funnies – Thank you!

  9. LOL my breasts get a lot of attention so don’t worry you aren’t the only one. I don’t really do it all that much anymore but when we first started TTC, I remember doing it once at the grocery store and then thinking, “Oh no! What did I just do? Did anyone see that?” HAHA – great post today 🙂

  10. I definitely do this every cycle!! My husband is always willing to double check me too…haha. Ugh.

  12. Well, The funny thing is, I squeezed my tata’s as soon as I started reading this. I was thinking ” I believe they are still sore, but I better check.” This month this has been me completely. Since I am on month 12, I feel like I symptom hunting more than normal. I have had “tender breasts” since Aug11th. A whole week now and AF should be here tomorrow. :/ I want to say it has made me more excited, but they haven’t started hurting worse, just the same tenderness. I am starting to think it is from all the tata groping I have been doing, while looking for a sign. 🙂

  13. So true!! Sometimes my breasts are sore from squeezing them to see if they’re sore! I will say though, the one and only time I’ve been pregnant my nipples got a lot bigger around, it was crazy looking!!

  15. This is hilarious. And you are not alone. I’ve totally gone on the blue vein hunt, along with being sure that every twinge is a sign. One month I even got crazy dizzy two days before my period was due and was sure that meant I was preggo. La sigh. I honestly don’t understand that “I didn’t know I was pregnant” show where women discover they are pregnant when they go into labor. Come on! That’s just crazy.

    1. I guess they were not struggling to conceive and looking for every sneeze. lol! hahaha! I had a friend who had PCOS so her periods were always sporadic. Anywho, she wasn’t trying for a baby but one day around Christams time she was really sick…as in cramping, doubled over, etc. She went to the emergency room and discovered she was 17 weeks pregnant and was going to need to deliver. Can you imagine that roller coaster ride of emotions?

  16. Dear sister you are not alone! I too examine them daily and yes I could swear on my life there are always blue veins!!! I love these posts that seriously make me laugh because I know it’s a small community who actually gets it!

    1. I often have my hubby read the Monday Funny posts before I publish them just to make sure they sound “okay”, etc. He never understands them. lol! He doesn’t find them funny at all :/

    1. hahaha! My mom is one of the most reserved people you will ever meet so imagine the text I got from her this morning after she read it 🙂 lol!

  18. I’ve learned through each one of our pregnancies that my boobs don’t start hurting until after I get two pink lines – usually about 4.5 weeks. So, I don’t even think about them anymore as a symptom.
    But, on the list of crazy TWW symptoms, I pretty much wrote off this cycle this morning after my dog jumped on me – with each pregnancy, her refusal to jump on me during the TWW has been my one reliable indicator of being pregnant. So, here I am, writing off a cycle based not on my own symptoms, but by the behaviours of my dog. Oh, how I love being a crazy lady…
    🙂

    1. oh my goodness! That is definitely one to add to the list of pregnancy symptoms. We should make up a list of crazy two week wait symptoms for my next Monday funnies 😉

      1. Feel free to add my dog determining factor to that list! I seriously put more weight into her actions then I do into anything other symptom. Apparently, as a completely rational and logical person, I have decided my dog is psychic / intuitive. My husband thinks I’m crazy for this one, as I’m sure most other people would too!! 🙂

    2. Funny you should mention that because I’d noticed that my dog (little Yorkie) would start cuddling up to my stomach more when I was pregnant, before I even knew that I was pregnant. So I would watch her like a hawk and decide “that’s it, she’s laying on the other couch… not pregnant this month!” hahaha. Because that’s the true test you know… your pet’s behavior.

      1. Oh good, I’m not the only one relying on my dog to tell me if I’m pregnant! Although, considering my dog is 90lbs, I’m thankful her way of telling me is not by cuddling up on my stomach. 🙂

  19. This is so funny because it is SO true! I’d be squeezing my arms into my boobs out in public to see how sore they were, so that I would be more “discreet” about booby checking. LOL! My husband caught me one time and asked me what in the world I was doing. LOL! I love how we’re all the same!

    1. I think it is so common for those trying to conceive to just feel around on ourselves and think nothing of it. 🙂 I know I don’t think anything of it when I give them a big ol’ “honk” hehe

  20. Squeeze, honk, fondle, grope, pinch…. Oh wait, I’m only on cd6…. Give me two weeks and I’ll be right along side all you ladies give the good ol’ peaches a nice feel. 😉 I’m getting really excited if you actually do a tww symptoms spotting post!

    1. Morgan you are too funny! I need some help coming up with TWW symptoms. I never have a two week wait due to longs and sporadic cycles so I am kinda clueless….

  21. lol, Elisha, that’s totally been me today since I was supposed to get my period on Saturday. Thanks for the laugh, I think I scared my cat! 😉 <3

  22. Ha Ha Ha Ha – I have to say before I was ever pregnant, I used to check out my boobs all the time. I gave up on it, because when I finally did have a pregnancy, the boobs never changed. However my voracious appetite was INSANE. That started before the positive pregnancy test. I also wanted a hamburger constantly! So, if you keep craving hamburgers, it must be a sure thing…ha ha ha

    1. haha! Love it! Do you have any other crazy two week wait symptoms? I’m trying to compose a list for another Monday Funny post

      2. By the way, I had a hamburger Monday night before my scheduled embryo transfer just in case!

        I have a new one – My dog peed on my belly yesterday while I was resting in bed after the embryo transfer…new early sign?!?!? Yuck!

    1. I suggest you check morning, mid morning, noon, mid afternoon, early evening, mid evening, and late evening every day until you get your BFP 🙂 And do this anywhere and around anyone 🙂 I would.

  24. Lol I totally did that. I will tell you my breast were never more sore then when I wasn’t pregnant. However 8 weeks into pregnancy they were a different animal than I’d ever imagined. The breast lie! I need to write a book about all the symptoms I didn’t have while pregnant, that were supposed to be the norm.

    1. do you have any crazy tww symptoms that you believed indicated a possible BFP? I am trying to compose a list for another Monday funnies post. So far people have told me that when in their tww, if the following occurs then they think they are prego…1. My dog won’t come near me. 2. Crave hamburgers

  25. Haha yep. I used to do that like every month and I would be CONVINCED that I was pregnant. Then I’d be unable to figure out whether it was pregnancy or me checking every 5 minutes that was the reason they were actually sore. My husband thought I was insane, but not nearly as insane as when I told him that I actually took apart my digital tests to look for lines on the strip on the INSIDE of the test. I googled afterward though, and other people do it too! AND, by the way, sometimes you CAN see the little blue lines on the strip inside the digital test before it will read as pregnant on the screen. I tested it lol. I also broke a few nails breaking them apart…

    1. Umm…I open every single one of my pregnancy tests so that I can look at the test strip better. hehe! I even mentioned this in my comic post…”You Might be an Infertile if…”

  27. Sore boobs is not a very common PMS symptom for me. It’s only happened a few times while TTC. So yes, those months I was poking, proding and pinching those nips every second I had to see if there was a change… we all know how that ended though. Does everyone actually get sore ta-tas once they are officially prego?

    1. From what I hear it is one of the top six early pregnancy symptoms and is due to the increase of hormones…I have yet to experience sore boobs but I still poke around hoping one day they will be

  28. I actually don’t do much of the sore boob test. I only did it after my IVF transfer.. but I was well aware that it was because of the progesterone. I actually don’t ever try to spot pregnancy symptoms anymore. But I know that your boobs can get bigger after pregnancy. My husband can’t wait for that day. 😀 😀 😀

    1. This current cycle I am on is the first I have tried to spot pregnancy symptoms because my cycles are always so long and sporadic that there isn’t ever a clear time to start looking for symptoms. My boobs rarely, if ever hurt and the doc says it’s because my body doesn’t make enough progesterone to cause them to hurt…? The only time they ever really hurt was when I first went on birth control years ago to help regulate my cycles. Those bad boys couldn’t even stand to have a tshirt touching them. ouchies!

    1. hehehe! I figured at the majority of us have, right? You know I am running out of material when I have to dedicate a whole post to boobies! haha

  31. OMG….too funny! I have done just about everyone of those things. Thanks for the humor.

  32. Ahha you are certainly not alone with the squeezing. I lost count of the times I felt my boobs to check if they were tender. They lied to me in the last ivf cycle: they were so sore.i was.sure.i was pregnant. I will never trust my boobs again! x

  33. Oh yeah, I do this EVERY TIME. By the end of the cycle they’re sore just from me poking at them. 🙂

    1. I find myself touching them even when I know they shouldn’t be sore just to make sure they are not sore…does that even make sense? lol!

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  36. Oh my goodness! This is hysterical! I love it! During one month where I thought I could possibly be pregnant (although we weren’t actively trying yet), my boobs felt sore and I kept poking them. I’m a preschool teacher, and at one point during our “story time,” with a child sitting in my lap, I’m pretty sure I unconsciously squeezed one to see if it was still sore! I tried to pull it off like I was adjusting my bra and looked around, so embarrassed, hoping no one saw!

  37. Thanks for the humour to lighten up a crappy week! And yes, I am guilty of giving the girls a squeeze as I walk through the grocery store aisles without realizing what I’m doing. Except, knowing what pregnant boobies feel like from the last two experiences, my nips don’t get sore, just the whole breast feels bruised. So I was mortified at my lack of discretion in aisle 5 as I literally grabbed a handful of these double D’s and gave ’em a squeeze. Oh, and I’ve got a list of “I must be pregnant because…” symptoms. 1. Craving/eating breakfast cereal at every meal. 2. Heartburn. Because it couldn’t be from that jalapeño. 3. I lost less hair than normal in the shower this morning. It’s more curly. It’s less curly. 4. Coffee smells funny. 5. Milk tastes funny. 6. The cat was sniffing my belly. 7. I ran out of breath running up the stairs because it couldn’t possibly be from not exercising since we lost Noah. 8. That enhanced sense of smell surely wouldn’t be related to the fact I work in a hospital with bodily fluids erupting from every bodily orifice. 9. I have a surgical scar (located in a place you shouldn’t scratch in public). It was crazy itchy when I was pregnant, but of course being a scar, I couldn’t feel myself scratch it, hence no relief from the itching. It was itchy two days ago. 10. And who could forget the crazy dreams?! Imagine all of this, and I still get a BFN ;). Even if I repeated the peeing on a stick. Five times.

    1. Oh Cathy! You have just saved the day! I’ve been sitting here trying to think of possible pregnancy symptoms for my next Monday Funnies post only came up with three….you gave me ten more! stay tuned for the next Monday Funnies post 🙂

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  40. Soo true with everything, I think we all have similar symptoms 🙂 and as you saw you are not alone on this 🙂 keep us good work and positive attitude during this JOURNEY. You give hope and the results were amazing. God bless!

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  43. Lol, your words couldnt have echoed my own more thoroughly. This past month was that month for me. I squeezed, bounced, measured and examined my breasts until i was convinced that this was the month. You are not alone, you are saying out loud what everyone is silently doing.

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