Dearest Sweet Husband,
You are my hunk-a-burnin love. Your savvy looks, cool hair, and sexy strut make me weak in the knees. And when you look in my direction? I can’t help but get those butterflies in my stomach. But when it comes to our fertility issues, I need you to give me the same support and lift my Victoria Secret bra offers, capiche? However, let’s be real; because I know your mind is fixated on sports, boats, fishing poles, and hunting; while mine is thinking about ovulation charts, pregnancy tests, doctor appointments, and timed intercourse. But I’m going to need you to get your head in the game, mmmmm-kay?
For starters, please do not come home on the day I start my period and tell me about how your boss, who just got married one month ago, is expecting twins…without trying. But if you do, don’t ask me five minutes later why I am still crying and refusing to come out of the bathroom, capiche? And could you please quit talking to your Great Aunt Trudie about our fertility challenges? She keeps mailing me newspaper articles about infertility. Or brochures to adoption agencies. And don’t get me started on the coupons for the ovulation prediction kits she is constantly passing to me while sitting together in the church pew.
Furthermore, I understand you are probably clueless despite the fact I have placed the book “What to Expect When She is Not Expecting” on your nightstand, in your truck and next to your Fisherman’s Guide magazine (have you even noticed?); therefore I have compiled a list–it’s kind of like a cheat sheet on what not to say to your emotionally charged and hormonally crazed wife
wanting desperately to get pregnant. Are you ready? Here it goes…
- It’s a buddy’s camping weekend so I might have to miss your ovulation period this month. You cool with that? I mean…there is always next month.
- Your basal thermometer accidentally fell into the toilet.
- I told my mother about our fertility problems. She plans on calling you later this evening with some advice. So make sure you are free around 7pm. And have a note pad handy.
- This buddy at work told me you should just relax if you want to get pregnant faster.
- I know you want me to wear boxers instead of briefs and take the extra vitamins, but it seems a bit too extreme.
- You look bloated? I bet you are getting your period.
- No. I definitely don’t see two lines.
- I know you are upset about getting your period today, but I invited my friend and his pregnant wife over for dinner.
- Hey, did I tell you my old girlfriend is pregnant?
- Oops! I accidentally injected the needle in the wrong spot.
- The fertility clinic called but I deleted the message on accident.
- What’s the big deal? We can try again next month.
- I think you are too obsessed with getting pregnant.
- Do we have to tonight? I’m just not in the mood.
- Can you postpone our IUI until Monday? Saturday isn’t good for me because I have a golf tournament.
- My mom called and suggested we look into adoption. Do you want the number of the agency she has already contacted for us?
- At least you don’t have to buy maternity clothes.
- I think I see a pooch today. Are you sure you are not pregnant?
- Relax! We have plenty of time!
I hope you found this week’s edition of “Laughing Your Way through Infertility” to be written in laughter, love and fun. Our dearest husbands do and always will stumble, flop, back pedal, and apologize as we go from one failed cycle to the next, but it’s not because they don’t care. It’s simply because they don’t know what to do, how to act, or who to be. But despite their clueless souls, we should always extend grace. After all, I believe they give us grace upon grace each month as they maneuver around our buried landmines in an effort to avoid the bombs of our intense and often times psychotic hormotional emotions from exploding in their faces (or maybe it’s just me who is talented enough to go from sane to crazy in 2.5 milliseconds).
As always, I hope you have a great week and don’t forget to find time to laugh and enjoy the journey while you are on the path to reaching your destination and if you are in need of some additional humor, or missed the last post, “The Things an Infertile Will Do”
Source: This idea was taken from 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. Some revisions were made.
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