People occasionally tell me how strong, brave and encouraging I am for openly sharing my faith alongside my infertility struggles with the world–or at least anyone who stumbles upon this blog. I do feel strong some days. And even brave, too. But mostly, I feel like I am the one who gets the most encouragement through this blog. It’s through emails, cards, and comments left by others that give me the strength and bravery to keep writing and sharing my story. But recently, I received a comment on one of my blog posts that knocked the wind right out of me. I read it once–looked up from my phone–read it again, but slower this time and started to feel myself turn into a weak coward, and then one last time before becoming sick to my stomach. I couldn’t help but think, “How many others read my posts or know of my story and think I am a fool? ” (Below is her comment)
“The difference between your delusions and those of the mentally ill are that yours are socially acceptable because a bunch of indoctrinated folks believe them too. And those “voices” that are urging you to doubt? Yeah, that’s your brain. Try using it. Or don’t, and continue to look like an enormous (not pregnant) fool.” ~Lily
It’s been over two weeks since I first read her hateful words and I have thought about it every single day, even sometimes all day. I admit that in my darkest moments, I have asked myself what if I have created some kind of promise out of good intention or emotional invention.
In the last two weeks I have thought about no longer sharing my story about hearing God directly promise me a son named “Josiah”. I have thought about how crazy I must have looked to hundreds of people weeks ago as I searched for the “mystery woman” in order to have her pray for me because the Holy Spirit said to do so.
In the last two weeks my mind has been consumed with how stupid I must look to my friends and family as I celebrate the 17th of every month and call it “Josiah Day?” In fact, it makes me literally sick to my stomach when I think about how many roll their eyes and think I am ridiculously foolish for spending money on diapers, wipes, clothing, toys, and blankets for a little boy who hasn’t even been conceived yet? I mean it’s one thing to buy baby related things, but to be gender specific? Lily is right. I am insane and foolish!
In the last two weeks I have thought about how many others have come across my blog and even though they didn’t say it, wish I would also start using my brain. It’s been in that past two weeks that I find myself breaking out into a sweat as I press the “publish” button on each of my blog post fearing another comment from her or someone else labeling me a fool.
In the last two weeks, I have walked around feeling like a fool and I have wondered if it was time to start being more realistic in my expectations. Maybe my hopes are a bit too ‘far fetched?’ Maybe it’s best if I stay quiet about my journey so that I don’t look so foolish to the naysayers?
But after two weeks of walking around with my head down and questioning everything I have believed for the past 24 months, the answer is no. No it’s not time to be realistic. No my hopes are not too ‘far fetched’. No I shouldn’t dare stay quiet. I am not called to be popular and will gladly accept the title of “fool” from this woman and anyone else who thinks of me as such. I understand that there are times when my faith and common sense will not align. I know that I will be silenced in the face of argumentative debate as to whether or not the voices are from God or just my own crazy thoughts. I know that proof or hardcore evidence of the baby bird I claim to have been promised is hard to find…as of yet. But I can’t help but be a fool…I want to be a fool.
Noah must have looked like a fool when he built a boat the size of a football field in the middle of a desert in preparation for a flood. He had never seen a single drop of rain in his entire life but that didn’t stop him from gathering wood and hammering in the first nail. Same is true for me…I have not seen a positive pregnancy test or had the nurse tell me I am having a bouncing baby boy, but like Noah, I will continue to look foolish and build my
ship nursery in preparation. God spoke to Noah and promised to send the rain and whether you believe it or not, He has also spoken and promised to send me a son. People can either board my ship or not. I used to think it mattered but it ultimately makes no difference because I know that God will fulfill His promises to me regardless of who is standing in my corner.
In regards to looking foolish by chasing down a mystery woman? That’s fine. Naaman was told by a prophet in Second Kings to dip himself in the Jordan River seven times in order to be healed of Leprosy. It seems a bit odd and ludicrous. What if he had shrugged his shoulders and dismissed the prophet’s instructions as ridiculous and crazy? Would he have missed out on his healing? What if I would have shrugged my shoulders and dismissed a strangers instructions to find the “mystery woman” and have her pray for me? Would I have missed out on my long cycle of 70ish days finally ending the same afternoon she laid hands on my empty womb and non-functioning ovaries?
I know that this unique journey I am on is a lonely climb because hundreds want evidence of the mysteries I proclaim. They want proof and hopefully one day I will be able to show them the evidence they are looking for through baby bump pictures, ultrasound videos, and a birth announcement. But until that day, I will be a “fool” and continue to do as many “foolish” acts of faith as long as God asks me too. If believing in faith that I am healed of PCOS makes me a fool and proclaiming that one day I will be pregnant with a child that God has promised me makes me act foolish, then so be it.
I am a fool.
Two weeks ago this woman’s comment took the wind right out of my sails and made me question everything I have believed for two years. She almost shut me up. But today, her comment has turned into a breath of fresh air. I sincerely thank her and have no ill feelings toward her for the comment she left me because it has reminded me that I am not only strong and brave, but also a fool. I’m happy to be naive and foolish because miracles don’t come to those believing in just the norm. They come to those who are willing to make themselves a fool by having faith to believe in the impossible. Today, I am proud to be not only a fool but an enormous (not pregnant) fool.
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