People occasionally tell me how strong, brave and encouraging I am for openly sharing my faith alongside my infertility struggles with the world. For the most part, I do feel strong some days. And even brave, too. But mostly, I feel like I am the one who gets the most encouragement through sharing my story. It’s through emails, cards, and comments left by others that give me the strength and bravery to keep writing and sharing. However recently, I received a comment on one of my articles which knocked the wind right out of me. I read it once, looked up from my phone, read it again, but slower this time, and then one last time before I became sick to my stomach. I couldn’t help but think, “How many others read my thoughts or know of my story and think I am a fool? ” (Below is her comment)
“The difference between your delusions and those of the mentally ill are that yours are socially acceptable because a bunch of indoctrinated folks believe them too. And those “voices” that are urging you to doubt? Yeah, that’s your brain. Try using it. Or don’t, and continue to look like an enormous (not pregnant) fool.” Lily
It’s been over two weeks since I first read her hateful words and I have thought about it every single day, even sometimes all day. I admit that in my darkest moments, I have asked myself what if I have created some kind of promise out of good intention or emotional invention. What if I am being delusional? And what about my doubts? What if they are true?
It’s been within these last two weeks that I have thought about no longer sharing my story regarding the incredible moment in which I heard in my heart God directly promise me a son named “Josiah”. I have even thought about how crazy I must look to hundreds of people when just a few weeks ago I searched for the “mystery woman” in order to have her pray for me because the Holy Spirit told a stranger, who then told me to find her and have her do so.
In the last two weeks my mind has also now been consumed with how stupid I must look to my friends and family as I celebrate the 17th of every month and call it “Josiah Day.” In fact, it makes me literally sick to my stomach when I think about how many roll their eyes and think I am ridiculously foolish for spending money on diapers, wipes, clothing, toys, and blankets for a little boy who hasn’t even been conceived yet. I mean it’s one thing to buy baby related things, but to be gender specific? Lily is right. I am insane and foolish!
In the last two weeks she has made me stop and think deeply about how many others have come across this little ol’ space of mine and even though they didn’t say it, they also wish I would start using my brain. It’s been in that past two weeks that I find myself breaking out into a sweat as I press the “publish” button on each new article fearing another comment from her or someone else labeling me a fool.
In the last two weeks, I have walked around feeling like a fool and I have wondered if it was time to start being more realistic in my expectations. Maybe my hopes are a bit too ‘far fetched?’ Maybe it’s best if I stay quiet about my journey so that I don’t look so foolish to the naysayers?
But after two weeks of walking around with my head down and questioning everything I have believed for the past two years, the answer is no. No it’s not time to be realistic. No my hopes are not too ‘far fetched’. No I shouldn’t dare stay quiet. I am not called to be popular, and I will gladly accept the title of “fool” from this woman and anyone else who thinks of me as such. I understand that there are times when my faith and common sense will not align. I know that I will be silenced in the face of argumentative debate as to whether or not the voices are from God or just my own crazy thoughts. I know that proof or hardcore evidence of the baby bird I claim to have been promised is hard to find…as of yet.
But I can’t help but be a fool…I want to be a fool.
Noah must have looked like a fool when he built a boat the size of a football field in the middle of a desert in preparation for a flood. He had never seen a single drop of rain in his entire life but that didn’t stop him from gathering wood and hammering in the first nail. Same is true for me…I have not seen a positive pregnancy test or had the nurse tell me I am having a bouncing baby boy, but like Noah, I will continue to look foolish and build my nursery in preparation. God spoke to Noah and promised to send the rain and whether you believe it or not, He has also spoken and promised to send me a son. People can either board my ship or not. I used to think it mattered but it ultimately makes no difference because I know that God will fulfill His promises to me regardless of who is standing in my corner.
In regards to looking foolish by chasing down a mystery woman? That’s fine. Naaman was told by a prophet in Second Kings to dip himself in the Jordan River seven times in order to be healed of Leprosy. It seems a bit odd and ludicrous. What if he had shrugged his shoulders and dismissed the prophet’s instructions as ridiculous and crazy? Would he have missed out on his healing? What if I would have shrugged my shoulders and dismissed a strangers instructions to find the “mystery woman” and have her pray for me? Would I have missed out on my long cycle of 70ish days finally ending the same afternoon she laid hands on my empty womb and non-functioning ovaries?
I know that this unique journey I am on is a lonely climb because hundreds want evidence of the mysteries I proclaim. They want proof and hopefully one day I will be able to show them the evidence they are looking for through baby bump pictures, ultrasound videos, and a birth announcement. But until that day, I will be a “fool” and continue to do as many “foolish” acts of faith as long as God asks me too. If believing in faith that I am healed of PCOS makes me a fool and proclaiming that one day I will be pregnant with a child that God has promised me makes me act foolish, then so be it.
I am a fool.
Two weeks ago this woman’s comment took the wind right out of my sails and made me question everything I have believed for two years. She almost shut me up. But today, her comment has turned into a breath of fresh air. I sincerely thank her and have no ill feelings toward her for the comment she left me because it has reminded me that I am not only strong and brave, but also a fool. I’m happy to be naive and foolish because miracles don’t come to those believing in just the norm. They come to those who are willing to make themselves a fool by having faith to believe in the impossible. Today, I am proud to be not only a fool, but an enormous (not pregnant) fool.
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I admire you! I read this post to my husband, he says you are his hero! Keep believing, keep praying and keep being you! Please follow my blog as well, I could use your positive vibes and encouraging words 🙂
Girl I am in going to follow you! My heart just broke when I read your post because I have BEEN right where you sit. I want you to email me at 10hopeingod@gmail.com with more of your story and your address. I love to send encouragement cards, notes, books, whatever and I would love to add you to my list. Don’t give up! God will restore EVERYTHING to you that the enemy has taken away. Your story is not over. No weapon formed against you shall prosper! Believe that!
OMG this Lily person better not cross paths with me… things would get ugly. How dare she?!! If you’re a fool, then I aspire to be a fool. And I truly mean that. Your faith has been and continues to be an inspiration to me (and to many others). Not just that, what you’re doing with Goldilocks and your constant support to everyone in the blogging community go to show what a lovely, pure-hearted and giving person you are. I’ve never met you Elisha and I might never get a chance to but I feel incredibly lucky to have virtually ‘known’ you.
Okay, now I’m going to go and take some deep breaths to rid myself of how much anger I feel at stupid ‘Lily’.
Awe girl you are so sweet with your words! You are amazing, encouraging and a great supporter as well! I am more than thankful and blessed to have you in my life and to have my back! xo
I felt the connection after I read the blog post, reason being, I was also given the name of our son by God and am waiting still. I have been married for 10 years already and had 2 miscarriages. Accepted Christ after my miscarriage and trying to learn for God’s timing. It is never easy, however, together we can encourage and motivate each other along the way. Stay cheerful for the Lord. 🙂
amen Felicia! I know you probably already know this verse but I had to share it with you…
“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful!” Hebrews 10:23
Thanks Elisha. Here are the 2 books that I wrote and my stories…
Lost And Found – http://feliciatan22.com/lost-and-found-book/
To Baby With Love – http://feliciatan22.com/lost-and-found-book/
Oops, the other book link is here – http://feliciatan22.com/to-baby-with-love-book-2/
I can’t wait to check these out later today! Thank you!
Oh Elisha I want little Josiah here even more than ever after reading this post! What does Lily know? What is her problem? Who does she think she is???
I think if anything, something I have learned throughout this infertility journey, is that we all have different paths. Just because our paths are different (one lady gets pregnancy naturally, one gets pregnant through IVF, some women don’t want to ever have a baby), does not mean one path is correct and the other path is wrong! We need people who are not scared to follow their chosen, rightful path, even if it may not be like the majority. I wish people were more open to those differences and accept and embrace them instead of being so close minded and judge mental!
As I read your post it reminded me of a talk I heard years ago. You reminded me of Nehemiah saying “I am doing a great work, so that I cannot come down,” in his response to the opposition he faced. You too are doing a great work as you share your faith through your struggles and what you hold so dear.
You can read the whole talk here:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/we-are-doing-a-great-work-and-cannot-come-down?lang=eng
Please don’t worry about those who haven’t felt and experienced what you have. They can’t understand.
You are such an amazing example of faith and strength. You are NOT a fool! We need more faith and patience like yours in the world. Please don’t ever stop sharing this.it has helped me and so many others. Thank you for courageously sharing your experience!
Sorry for writing a book on your page.
Anything worth a damn is going to be controversial. So now you know your blog is definitely worth a pretty penny!
hehehe! Thanks Kacy! 🙂
I will only say that God is working it our for you, you have shown me how strong and brave you are and how much faith and believe you have in God’s word, I know that the God that has brought you this far will bring to you an expected end, do not give up. God bless you.
Thank you so much Kristie!! 🙂
I sobbed as I read your post this morning because your story is so similar to my sister’s and my own long journey of trying to conceive. Continue to hold on to the promises God has given you. He promised me a baby and I can now say I’m currently pregnant. And I’m believing in faith my sister is healed from PCOS and after 3 years of trying she will also receive her promise of children. I love your story and your vulnerablity. It is an encouragement to many and a reminder to hold on to Gods word. We serve a faithful God who always does what he says. Keep the faith and trust in our father who will never fail you.
amen and amen to everything you just wrote! Thank you for being so supportive and encouraging! Your sister is so lucky to have you in her corner and praying and believing with her! xo
Thanks sister bear.
Thank You So Much for sharing your heart. On so many levels, I relate to your promise. My husband and I, have been prophesied over three child would be conceived from my womb five years ago. We were told to prepare the nursery for twins recently. Your words have inspired me. Thank you for never giving up in sharing your heart. God bless you and your baby boy Josiah.
Oh how exciting for you!!! I’m praying for you and I know that God is working NOW on your miracle. I just saw that you subscribed to my blog and I wanted to email you a personal “THANK YOU” but it didn’t list your email. Sooo….THANK YOU! If you ever need prayer or encouragement, please email me at 10hopeingod@gmail.com xo
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I went ahead and emailed you from my personal email.
God bless you. Xo
Aww Elisha, I’m so sorry you had this comment. It is such a shame that people can write things that aren’t encouraging. I am so pleased you are stronger than that though and have responded in the same funny and positive way I am coming to love from reading your blog. Well done you 🙂 hugs x
awe thanks sweets! It was a tough comment to swallow for several days that’s fo sho!
To say that comment stings is an understatement. If that person really cared about helping you see another point of view, she would have written her POV much, much differently. What’s written there comes from a person who *wanted* to make you feel bad about yourself. What’s interesting is that instead of hating her, you took her mean-spirited words as an opportunity to become introspective, question your path, and come out on the other side with a renewed sense of purpose. I will never understand how people can be so myopic as to not realize that each person has his or her own way of perservering through circumstances, there is no one “right” way for every person. I find you and your path beautiful. You are, after all, already living inside joy and happiness—how many can say that? Not many. Keep shining your light, babe. You know who you are. It’s inspiring.
Thanks sugars! Xo
Perhaps someone said something that scarred her. Perhaps she is in a very similar position, but can’t bear it. Prayers for you both.
Thank you for your prayers!
WELLLL this statement lines up Perfectly with God’s word 🙂 1 Cor 1:20-28…it pleased God through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe…but we preach Christ crucified…to the Greeks foolishness. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men and the weakness of God is stronger than men. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen and the things which are not to bring to NOTHING the things THAT ARE! Josiah is a real person to God Elisha! He is not simply a thought that He is thinking and planning but a REAL PERSON just like you and me Jer 1:5! You are blessed to have God discuss Josiah so openly and plainly to you and through so many other people that God leads to you and speaks to you through! I mean it is simply incredible! Literally incredible! Of course Satan wants to shut you up! Of COURSE!!! You are literally proclaiming the works of God and advancing His WORD in the earth! I have been reading a book called Breaking Intimidation by John Bevere. This is a spirit of intimidation to try to intimidate you into SILENCE! It might have seemed to work for a few days BUT GLORRYYYYYYYYY!!!! Once again GOD prevailed! Listen Elisha don’t wait to shout when the battle is over SHOUT NOWWWWW!!!!! God’s word says that He will DESTROY the wisdom of the wise and bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent-1 Cor 1:19! It is HIS GOAL to have us trust HIM. My mom once said Faith is blind but TRUST has no hands or feet!!! How can you possibly walk with no hands, no feet, and blind eyes?!? But THIS is the FAITH Walk!! It makes no sense to us in the natural understanding and God knows that! But without Faith it is impossible to please GOD! God gave me this quote to bless me in my own personal fight of FAITH. “There is a time and place for everything under the sun. Now is not the time for me to fully know. But soon I will know even as I am fully known. Now it is time for me to FULLY trust that HE fully knows.” And Lastly a line from a Gospel song(Hold on Change is Comin). I heard this in the spirit as I began to write …”I feel a break through coming your way. It’s a mighty move of God its gonna change your day! Signs and wonders miracles to perform God’s gonna bless you for just holding on!”
Nina,
I can’t even begin to tell you how many chills and goosebumps I have right now from your word spoken by the Spirit. I have heard so many times in the last several weeks that a breakthrough was coming and SOON. I get excited just thinking about how God’s plans are going to play out. His plans are perfect and jaw dropping and I can’t wait to have my jaw drop! xoxo Thank you for this comment.
I couldn’t have wrote a better post! Every piece of hope is that something we hold on to 🙂
Thanks for the compliment my dear but I bet you could have written it better 🙂 We must hold onto our hope…if not, what is there to hold on to?
BTW its the 3rd day every month for us : )
I love reading your blog and I have often thanked God for you and your willingness to share your faith. Keep doing what you are doing.
“Now without faith it is impossible to please him, for the one who approaches God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” Hebrews 11:6
Thank you so much Cassie and you have listed one of my all time favorite verses!
I don’t agree with your faith but I do respect it. What I would really like to understand is how you will make a sense of it if you don’t get end up getting what you’re so faithful you will get. If you never get pregnant naturally, what will that mean for your faith? If you get pregnant, but only with interventions that you’re currently opposed to, then what? I hope I’m being respectful enough in my question!
You are totally respectful and I respect your questions and I will try to answer them as best as possible. The thing about my faith is that not getting what I have been promised or hoping for is not possible. With my faith I have a relationship with God and I believe His word completely and I believe that what He has said will come to pass. If I doubted or worried or had a “plan B” of what I will do if it doesn’t come to pass, then I wouldn’t be able to say I had faith. Faith is believing 100 percent that what you are hoping for will come to pass. It’s believing in something without evidence or proof. And if I didn’t get pregnant at all it still wouldn’t change my love for God. He has blessed me far beyond what I already deserve already and He will always get my praise and admiration no matter what happens.
But at some point (menopause/old age, or at the end of your life), you will know whether your faith was “correct” or not. What does a person of faith do when they don’t ever get what they were promised?
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
For me, if God promised it, then I can bank on it. Numbers 23:19 says that He is not a man that He should lie or a human being that He should change His mind. He doesn’t speak and then not act.
Sarah and Elisabeth in the Bible were both passed the age of menopause when they supernaturally conceived. God is not limited.
What does a person of faith do if something doesn’t happen? I’m not sure because I’m not there and I have faith I won’t ever have experience in this particular circumstance to answer that question. That’s the thing about faith…I have confidence and assurance without evidence. I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful in answering your questions. :/ I just don’t have answers for what would happen if it doesn’t happen because for me, that’s not an option.
More power to YOU! That’s true strength right there- taking those words and turning it into something so powerful. You stand your ground and keep taking the measures you are taking towards the baby you so deserve. Thanks for not being afraid to share the range of emotions that this comment caused- it’s really something.
you have nooo idea the range of emotions during the time I read it until the time I pressed publish on this post. lol! It was quite the ride. I remember reading the comment to my husband HOURS after I originally read it and having tears come down my face. I of course didn’t let him see them…hehe
I can’t imagine receiving a comment like that! How dare she try to take something away from you like that! You are so brave and strong. Keep it up 🙂
In my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you so much Erin! Your comment makes me smile 🙂
I’ve been horrible about commenting lately but I just wanted you to know I love reading your blog and have been so inspired by you. It’s shocking the things that people say on the internet hidden behind the screen, but I’m so glad you didn’t let it bring you down and stop you from hoping for a miracle. Hugs! You are awesome girl!
awe thanks girl! I read your blog post this morning while laying in bed trying to wake up and I’ve been meaning to go back and comment. I want you to know that if anyone get’s the persistence award it would be you. You never give up and I love that about you! xo
That is so sweet of you, thank you so much 🙂
You Are strong and brave and so many more good and inspirational things that I couldn’t fit into just the one comment.. Love to you birdy xxx
Awe thanks sugars!!! Love ya!!
Thank you for being a “fool” and showing us your Amazing Faith. What an encouragement and inspiration you are. Stay strong and keep believing. I wish we could sit down with a cup of tea and talk about God. I believe I could learn a lot from you!!!
That was a rather mean sentiment and also a mean way of expressing it. The truth is none of us knows. I am past some unsuccessful IVF and I don’t know either. Even people with children, do they know how they will turn out? Are we not all foolish before God? Faith is different from knowing and it’s not the opposite of ‘using your brain’ or choice. In fact, I would say using my brain has little to do with IVF or adopting, or however my journey will turn out, which I believe will be determined by God. Sorry you got a bad apple, I guess just got to forgive and see it as everyone tries to help, but the adventure is so crazy that even the loving ones can be misguided!
thanks so much 😉
Wow. Some people just have evil intentions. That right there is just plain evil. I’m sorry you had to receive such a comment. Some people just have no tact, but at the end of the day, you handled this brilliantly and perfectly. You inspire way more people than that chick realizes, so keep doing what you are doing.
awe thank you so much Jessi! You are so sweet! xo
Amazing Faith- I feel like Jesus felt right now, In Luke 7:9 When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and turning to the crowd following him, he said ‘i tell you, i have not found such great faith even in Isreal’
oh wow! That gave me chills just reading that verse from you. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement this morning. XOXO
Keep waiting darl… it wouldnt be for too long. God will never put more on you than u can bear. Hold on to God’s Word, run with it, He that has promised is Faithful… maintain an attitude of thanksgiving…when fears, doubts and side comments speak..speak back God’s Word, i remember when i was waiting for my baby, when i get to the bathroom and the d red, id look into the mirror and speak and confess God’s Word, id say ‘im a fruitful vine, im a mother of nations, i bring forth my blessed seeds, in all of these things, i win !!!!’ then i apply fresh lip gloss smile and bounce. we are victorious always in Christ Jesus. yayyyy ! and p.s Yes we love being foolish !
foolish for Christ is the ONLY way to live 🙂 Thank you!
THIS: “I’m happy to be naive and foolish because miracles don’t come to those believing in just the norm. They come to those who are willing to make themselves a fool by having faith to believe in the impossible. Today, I proud to be not only a fool but an enormous (not pregnant) fool.” IS AMAZING! I am so inspired by this. Thank you for being so courageous.
~Another Enormous Not Pregnant Fool named Ashliegh
I am so glad I am not alone!!! 🙂
‘But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;’ (1 Corinthians 1:27 KJV)
And there we have it. God’s word declares that He will use foolish things for His names sake. Rejoice sister, you are walking in His will and way and He is well pleased with you. Glory to His name!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this comment! I will never forget that day I read her comment. UGH! She has written a few more on other blog posts since then but she doesn’t rub me the wrong way like before. Instead, I now smile because it just means I am aggravating the devil and causing him to tremble 🙂