Often times people say to me, “I sure wish I could get inside of your head.” Well, for those people (whom I doubt are even reading this) that wish is coming true and these are the thoughts that have come into my mind within the last few minutes…
My cycle will never be ‘normal’.
My family of two will still be a family of two even as I fill out my AARP card.
Things are only going to get worse.
I can’t do this anymore.
seems is impossible.
Maybe my life would be better childless…?
God seems to be pressing the “mute” button on some of my prayer requests.
God is punishing me for pressing the “mute” button on some of His “requests” when I was a teenager.
She is pregnant?! Seriously! She’s only 17! Does she even know how to change a diaper? (Thoughts after checking my Facebook account just now)
Those are some depressing thoughts aren’t they? Oh how quickly they have been finding their way into my thinking lately. Especially since my last cycle was 70+ days long. 70 stinkin’days! Most women had two cycles to my one! I just want to be able to have a normal cycle, with normal ovulation and a normal chance to create a tiny human without needing to pump myself full of hormones.
With each new cycle, the days seem to climb higher and higher like they are on a hike to reach the top of Mount Everest. Whispers of doubt keep telling me that my body will always be wreaked by Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and my ovaries will never know how to create anything but cysts.
Each whisper leaves me feeling hopeless and each long cycle pulls me further down in to the belief that things will never get better.
There have been plenty of mornings, like this one, when I all I can do (or want to do) is curl up in a ball and let the tears stream down my face as I reminisce the days when pregnancy announcements didn’t run me over like a dump truck and the dream of having three children, a mini van and a family dog named Lassie all by the age of 30 was still alive (I will be 31 in September=dream dead). I think back to the days when I was able to joyfully attend a baby shower and not sit quietly in the corner as I question when it would be my turn.
I find myself constantly looking back to the year 2007 when I stood in our tiny 475 square foot apartment and told the Hubs that I was going to stop taking birth control due to hating the way they made me feel. We both worried I would get pregnant right away and be forced to raise a child in such tight living quarters. Pfftt! Seven years later and I sit here worried that I will never be able to fill the extra bedrooms we now have with all the joys of giggles, toys, and sounds of pitter patters coming from their tiny feet. Ahhhh…those were the “glory days”. It was a time in my life when I didn’t have a doubt, fear, or worrisome thought in my head about my ability to grow a tiny human that would be part me and part Daniel.
But a 70+ day cycle will make anyone start to question and doubt the possibility of conceiving. Or at the very least, have hope that things will get better. But the truth of the matter is, if I want a change in my circumstances then I must make a change in my thoughts. I can choose to either believe that things will always be the same or that with Christ, all things are possible. I can choose to sit and dwell on the past or the negative; or choose to have hope that change is on the horizon.
You see, the God of hope wants me to live beyond my doubts and fears. Believe beyond my feelings and see beyond what my natural eyes can see. He wants me to trust that what is today, might not be tomorrow; what was last month, might not be this month. He wants me to stop looking to the past, but see the future as He see’s it. A future that is full of children, prosperity, and health. He wants me to have hope that now, even though I can’t see it, He is doing a new thing. He wants me to stop doubting that He is working together all things for good because I love Him. He wants me to never lose hope that everything is possible for me in this life simply because I believe in Him. That’s what He wants…He wants me to hope for new “glory days”.
Therefore despite the evidence that my body is failing and my cycles are growing increasingly longer, I will choose hope. Despite the fact, I do not ovulate (as in never), and my test results
say scream “severe PCOS”, I will choose hope. Despite the doctor’s belief that I have less than 3 % chance of conceiving on my own, I will choose hope. Despite my feelings and all logical reason to hope, I will still choose hope.
Today, I choose to get up, blow my nose, dry my tears, and not focus on the negative. I will choose to look at my future with eyes of faith and believe in confidence that new “glory days” are just around the corner. Doubt and hope can’t live in my heart at the same time, so today I choose hope.
Below are a few verses I am repeating to myself today. I included them in hope that they will encourage you to keep believing that all things are possible and that better things are up ahead.
- “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.” ~Mark 9:23
- “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” ~Isaiah 43:19
- “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~Romans 8:28
- “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.” ~Hebrews 10:23