Seek and Find

Seek and Find

In 2012 I realized the full extent to which infertility and PCOS had on my life.  It felt like I was in a choke hold.  I was depressed, hopeless and ready to tap out.   But as a fighter, I knew I couldn’t and as a Christian, I knew I shouldn’t.  I knew that even though my situation looked impossible, with God all things were possible (Matthew 19:26).  I knew the promises of fruitfulness, healing, and restoration were available to me as a child of God.  I knew about the numerous Bible stories of barren women who conceived supernaturally and I knew that God did not show favoritism (Romans 2:11); therefore I knew that what He did for Sarah, Hannah, Elisabeth, Rachel and Rebekah He could do for me.   I knew where to find the verses on healing and fertility.   I knew that infertility and miscarriage were not from God, of God or in God’s plan for my life.   I knew it all, but didn’t believe it all.  

But I wanted to believe it.  I wanted to confidently and boldly shout from the rooftop that I would be a joyful mother of children like Psalm 113:9 proclaimed.  I wanted to believe that the fruit of my womb would be blessed abundantly like Deuteronomy 28:4 and Deuteronomy 28:11 promised.  I wanted to believe the truth in Isaiah 53:5 that by His stripes I AM healed, not will be healed.  I wanted to have the type of trusting relationship with God in which I could and would believe the truth of His word over anything else the doctors, statistics, or a Google search told me. I wanted to go from knowing to believing.

So in the later part of 2012, I began praying regularly, doing daily devotions, and attending every church service possible.  But months later, despite my valiant “efforts” to go from knowing to believing, I still felt like I was in the same choke hold gasping for air.  I still felt the weight of infertility.  I still felt unfilled.  I still battled with the same thoughts and feelings of despair and hopelessness over my situation.  I still felt like I knew it all, but didn’t believe it all.  It had been months and I was still ready to tap out and my relationship with God was no different from before.  Why?  I was seeking God for His presents, not His presence. 

My prayer time was all about my requests.  My journal was filled with a list of my wants.  My thoughts were all about what He could give me.  It was all about me and less about Him.  The gifts (and not the giver) were of most importance to me and they had become idols in my heart.

Anything can be an idol if it distracts me from God as my first love. 

I can’t imagine how God must have felt during those months I was asking Him to meet with me each morning just so that I could stick out my hand.  Or what He must have been thinking each time I kept doing all of the talking–giving Him my grocery list of requests for the day.  As human beings, we do not appreciate finding out that certain people want to be our friends because we have an ability to give them something they want.  Instead, we feel valued when we know people want to have a relationship with us simply because of who we are and because they actually like us–the same principle applies to God. He wanted me seeking after His face and not His hand.  He wanted me to be His friend despite the benefits.  He wanted me to come to Him each day not because of his presents, but because of His presence.

As a daughter, I know that I need my parents presence more than I need their presents and the same holds true with being a daughter to my heavenly daddy.  My heavenly daddy desperately wants to give me good gifts, but He knows that I need His presence more.

Recently, it’s been in His presence I have found all that I had been seeking and chasing after.  It’s in His presence that I have found fullness of joy in the midst of my disappointing news, hope in my seemingly hopeless situation, and a strong belief in His word that has stretched far beyond just knowing.  It’s been in His presence that I have discovered and keep discovering that faith is what sparks the explosive power of God because it believes something is real before it ever see’s it manifest in reality.  It’s been in His presence that I am being continually released from the daily choke holds of this life.  The good ol’ Bible verse I have repeated since going to church in frilly dresses and shiny white shoes is true.  When we seek God who is  the giver first, we will find all the things that we need and are searching for in this life.

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22 thoughts on “Seek and Find

  1. Thank you for this reminder. I am still getting my daily faith practices to my liking. I’ve always been faithful but struggled a lot with it and religion (nothing like being a mental health therapist who struggles with infertility to do that!). But I have found it just in the last several months. Found an amazing church, actually took my first church class and I am actually getting baptized in a few weeks. Thanks for this post!

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    • right?! It’s a daily struggle to keep my grocery list of requests in check. While I know He wants to hear them, He wants me to enter into His presence first and foremost.

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  2. Yes!!! I love this!!! When we started Moms in the Making I told the girls my main desire was for the girls to pursue the Lord more then pursuing babies!!!! So much easier then said, of course!!! But I totally believe we will need to be that much more desperately dependent on Him when we are mommas – for strength, energy, grace, patience!!! I love that we can start prepping for that now while we are waiting! Thanks for this message!

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  3. Ooh, I still do this- lately, I feel like I have my “list of requests” for “presents” instead of asking for His presence more often than not. I love how that was put and it hit home immediately! Thank you so much for this post, it was just what I needed to hear to change my approach.

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  4. As always your post is spot on, I wish I could say that I am not guilty of doing this also. Your blog has fast become like a second home to me as you touch my heart and mind with every post. You’re amazing dollybird xxx

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    • awe thank you so much sugars! I have been discouraged lately as people continue to unfollow me with each new post I publish but it is your words of support and encouragement that keep me pressing the “publish” button. As far as this post goes, I was guilty of seeking His presents and not presence again this morning. I’m a work in progress :/

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  5. It helps me a lot to think about the Lord’s Prayer, and the order that Jesus used: “Hallowed by your name; your kingdom come; your will be done.” These phrases all honour and exalt God first, and put things in the right perspective. After we’ve put Him first we can say, “Give us our daily bread.” 🙂
    Sorry you’re feeling discouraged. You’re speaking truth and sometimes people don’t want to hear that! I find your blog very encouraging, and love your honesty. Sending you a hug. (( ))

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  6. If you ever doubt yourself that you’re helping others with your posts-STOP! I look so forward to reading your posts and connecting to God in a way that I often haven’t thought of. You always help me reconnect with God in a way that I haven’t thought of before. He’s using you and your rocking it! I appreciate your willingness to share so much. Those big girl panties are always on!

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  7. Wow this post is a challenge, but so encouraging too! I long for more of God’s presence but it is so easy to have a superficial relationship with Him. I heard a sermon recently that described it as ‘eating the crumbs’ when Jesus is the bread of life and wants to feed us completely! Thank you for sharing.

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