Waiting for Baby Bird

Why Does She Get Two?

Elisha

I could barely catch my breath on that Friday night in March when I received a text message from a close friend who said “we are expecting” and “we heard heartbeats.” That’s right, heartbeats. Plural. As I sat in my chair surrounded by over 150 other people and unable to escape, the knot in my throat grew to the size of a grapefruit as I tried to hold back the tears and type, “Congrats.”  I sat there numb. This was the seventh pregnancy announcement I had heard that week, and while I was truly happy for each of the ladies, I was sad for me.

I felt like a child at a birthday party, excited as I held my spoon and stared at my empty bowl, ready to receive the much-anticipated scoop of ice cream; but then to only have the excitement vanish as I slowly look around and notice all my friends at the table enjoying not just one, but two of the best scoops of ice cream I had ever seen. Why had I been skipped? Was I being forgotten? When will it be my turn?

As I continued to stare at her message, I shamefully kept thinking that if she had only been pregnant with one, it might not hurt so bad…why does she get two? It wasn’t a question I asked in anger or a jealous rage, but rather in soft-spoken envy. I didn’t have any ill will toward her. I was happy for her, but I felt forgotten by God, and I desperately wanted what she had. 

I wanted to be the one sending a text message letting everyone know my precious baby bird was on his way. I wanted to shout with excitement as I heard two heartbeats. Heck, I wanted to lose my voice from shouting so loud after hearing just one. Not to mention, I wanted to feel the rush and excitement of listening to the “swoosh” sound while the nurse said everything looked perfect. And I wanted to squeal like a little school girl with joy as I skipped, galloped, and cartwheeled myself out of the doctor’s office. I wanted everything that she had.

It’s been weeks since I received her message, and whenever I see her from a distance, tears form in my eyes as I still feel as though God has forgotten me. I can’t help but have a blank stare as I think about how her womb is full (really full) while mine remains empty. I can’t help but ask God, why does she get two?

Whenever I walk into a room, and she smiles and waves in my direction, I smile and wave back, but it’s awkward. It’s awkward because of the distance I have created between us since she shared her news with me that night. I know she wishes I was pregnant too. I know she doesn’t want to pour salt into my open wound, but knowing all of this doesn’t take away my pain. It still doesn’t make me stop feeling forgotten and wondering, why does she get two?

I pass her in the grocery store, and as we exchange small talk, my mind can’t stop racing and my heart won’t stop hurting. Again, why does she get two?

I feel ashamed because every single time I see her, I know I shouldn’t be asking this question. I shouldn’t care if she gets one, two, or even five. Instead, I should be rejoicing in her victory because it was just last November when I listened to her on the phone tell me she was going to miscarry. She has been through the pain of crying herself to sleep at night and through the heartache of having to tell others she is no longer expecting. She has been through the deep, dark trenches, and here I sat, ashamed as I selfishly begged God the question, why does she get two?

I’m not new to biology and, like most people, naturally assumed that the question was ridiculous since this was a natural conception. The answer was as simple and obvious as two eggs ovulated, or perhaps one egg split. However, when our eyes met a few weeks ago, and I again silently asked God, “why does she get two” the Holy Spirit spoke to my tender and ready to listen heart. He said, “It’s more than just biology. It is God being faithful to keep His word.” At that moment, Zechariah 9:12, a favorite verse of mine, bounced around the walls of my soul.

“Come back to the place of safety, all you prisoners who still have hope! I promise this very day that I will repay two blessings for each of your troubles.” 

God always gives more blessings for each of our troubles. In the Old Testament, He restored double blessings to Job when Job still refused to curse God despite losing everything. When David quit pleading and instead began worshiping God, losing the child he had with Bathsheba, God blessed him once more in quantity with another son, who became the wisest and richest king the world has ever known.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but on that Friday night, I let my feelings take me from my place of safety; I chose to become a prisoner shackled to envy, and the “why her and not me?” syndrome started to eat me from the inside out. However, since our eyes met several weeks ago, the chains have been broken–I have been set free.

I am free from envy, and like Job and David, I will praise God as I choose to joyfully watch her enjoy her double portion while I patiently wait for mine. Her growing bump reminds me that He is faithful, and at the end of this journey, I will have more than before, if not in quantity like Job, then in quality like David.

My friend, what is it you have lost today? A child? Your health? A job? Maybe your marriage or a close relationship? I pray the Lord will draw you near, and as you return to His place of safety, hope will abound, and joy will overflow even in the midst of your waiting. Be confident today because He has declared and promised to restore more blessings for each of your troubles, and He is faithful…all you need to do is become a prisoner of hope. 

With Love

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91 thoughts on “Why Does She Get Two?”

  1. Chills and tears with this one! There is a woman at our church expecting twins (without trying mind you) and this was my feelings. I could hardly look at her and still struggle some if I am honest but you are so right. Our blessings are coming.

  2. This has moved me to tears. Indeed, she deserves two, doesn’t she?
    God is awesome. We will receive what He has for us too.
    Keep blogging. God bless!

  3. Oh friend, how this feels familiar to me. I have felt that way so often but especially this year as several friends are expecting their second in the time that I’ve been spending trying for our first. The feeling of being forgotten is SO real, even though I know it’s not true. I know that God delights in blessing us with good things and some day I’ll receive it. The waiting is hard but God is faithful.

    1. Yes you are so right but Hebrews 6:12 says that all of Gods promises are received through faith and patience. Stay hopeful and in faith and the manifestation of Gods promises will come to fruition in your life. Xo

  4. you are always so encouraging! Love that verse! And thank you so, so much for your cards and little treat. Elisha, your kindness and thoughtfulness never cease to amaze me. You truly are an extraordinarily caring and selfless person, and I am truly blessed to have connected with you. Thanks for always being an encouragement, even while you yourself are waiting. You are in inspiration!

  5. I ask the same questions about my 20 year old sister who is expecting her second. This is a better way to look at things.

  6. So appreciate your honesty!! Love that verse – I love that this is the year of the double blessing!! Believing that in so many facets – can’t wait to see how he restores AND doubles!!!

  7. Oh my goodness… I totally remember having this same situation and dealing with the same emotions when a friend of mine got pregnant… HE IS FAITHFUL! Thank you so much for you raw emotion, genuine heart and transparency.

    1. Thanks so much Elena but wing such a wonderful source of encouragement to me. I think of your testimony often

  8. I so feel that way ALL the time but I just keep reminding myself that he has a plan for me too and it’s just not on my time schedule. It’s still so hard though.

    1. Yes it is but meditate on this scripture and remind yourself that God has huge blessings in store for you.

  9. So many tears as I read this. This has been a week full questions for me, the biggest being, “why her and not me?” Your card arrived the other day reminding me that God hasn’t forgotten me, but shortly there after, something happened that brought those questions back to the forefront. Today is a hard day, and I’m fighting the envy, disappoint, and hurt, wondering if just maybe I’m not one of God’s favorite kids. Thanks for you post, and for the sharing that verse in Zachariah. A much needed reminder.

    1. yes girl! Meditate on this verse all day. The only way to combat the enemy and our negative thoughts is to mediate and feed on His word and His faithfulness. Slow down today and spend extra time in prayer/bible study if you need too. xoxoxo

  10. That gut wrenching feeling of jealousy mixed with joy for her (and then disappointment in myself for feeling jealous then mad at why not me) ugh, the complicated grey of this whole process of infertility, hell of just life I think. Sending you hugs, thank you for posting this. I love the two blessings…hadn’t learned that one yet.

  11. To be honest, I kind of hate that ultrasound (I prefer when they don’t pop up in the newsfeed–I just got AF so the timing was awful). But despite that I still heard your message. XO

  12. I stand in amazement at your ability to be broken but yet heal so many with your openness & encouraging words.

    1. Thanks Tiffany! It was a rough few weeks to get to the healing process. It took effort on my part to honestly seek after Gods heart tho.

  13. Needed to hear that today. It is so hard and those questions don’t disappear easily. I hate the comparison game, but it all seriously feels so unfair sometimes. Thanks for the reminder to hang in there!

  15. I love this post. For every question we have of God, there’s a scripture with an answer. Wow, this is so beautifully profound how He has blessed her. I know that you will be blessed, as well. God is working in such a way with your story that you have the most amazing testimony already. I can’t wait til you have your baby bird in your arms and you get to tell the full story from beginning to end. God’s using you and it will be in a mighty way. I can’t wait to see it all play out!! HUGS!

    1. awe thank you so much Mel!! I am trying to let God be the author of my story…my life story. He is the best writer after all.

      1. I love that song on the radio about letting being an empty page, an open book. And letting God write His story on my heart. In order for us to have victory, we have to allow God to what He’s going to do. It is so hard to let go of control, though. It is probably my biggest struggle.

  16. I totally believe that a God repays us double for our troubles. I feel for you having so many announcements in the same week. Proud of you for digging deep enough for the promises, and as always inspired by your resilience and positive perspective.

    1. Thank you so much Emily. Yes, it was a whirlwind of a week. To be honest, I was proud of myself for not having a meltdown with the first six. I felt accomplished…but then the seventh came and I was knocked down! ugh! xoxo

    1. I usually try to steer clear of a double portion at dinner time, but I will take God’s double portion anytime 😉 xo

      1. 🙂 you know is most encouraging of this.,,, your friend lets you be so honest, what a blessing god gives you such a friend x

      2. I am thankful it was her! She is the only one who could give me this kind of grace. She is amazing!!

  19. This one was seriously tough for me. I myself have asked that very question of my own sister. Why did mine pass away and why did God give her two! But your words renewed in my heart His promises. Thank you for this. You spoke volumes to me today!

    1. So glad it has helped bring healing! God will restore everything to you the devil is taking away. He won’t let him have victory so stay in faith 🙂

  20. This one definitely made me cry. Very beautifully written. I know there have been times where I wondered the same thing about women in my life or the random stranger walking by in all of their “look at me and all of these babies I can pop out” sort of way.

    Very good point brought up though. I know it really helped me to remember that I don’t necessarily know what all that person, who seems to have what I want, has gone through. I don’t know their whole story. Maybe their story is similar to mine in the beginning. Maybe they view this child as a huge burden to them right now. I don’t know their story. I only know mine. And I know that God has only given me things that I have been able to handle and that He has a special plan for me, I just have to be patient.

  21. I know how you feel and at times avoid the pregnant people in my life because it is just too damn hard. You’ll get your forever baby!

  22. Don’t feel ashamed- I give you credit for even being able to respond ‘Congrats’! XO

    1. Thanks girl! I think it was just a rough week of multiple announcements. The six earlier in the week were from woman struggling for years and he first month of surrendering to God they got prego. I kept thinking…ummm….I surrendered months ago Lord. But we all have our own stories and God knows exactly what He is doing. I trust Him.

  23. I lost one of my best friends to this very thing. Eight years ago she was my matron-of-honor. When she became pregnant with her third, I tried to be supportive, but (as friends do) she vented to me throughout her pregnancy. Every time she would tell me “I’m tired of being sick” or “My back hurts” or (and this was the worst!) “The timing couldn’t be worse,” it was like a direct stab to the heart. Eventually, I distanced myself because I couldn’t handle it.

    Fast-forward five years, and we are like strangers when we get together. I have since apologized for being jealous, and she has forgiven me–repeatedly–but our once sisterly relationship is now damaged beyond repair–even now that I have a three-year-old of my own.

    My reaction to my brother’s first child was even worse. They had been married about three months when my sister-in-law discovered her pregnancy. The conversation went something like this:
    “Have you been to the doctor yet to confirm it?”
    “No. That is on Monday.”
    “Well, tell me when you’re absolutely sure, because as far as I am concerned, the test you are showing me is a false positive.”
    That Christmas, I got to sit there and watch her package after package of maternity clothes and baby toys. I got to watch her bond with my mom over baby shopping–after I had been married for five years and trying for four to have my own. And when my mom caught me being snarky as she gushed (yet again) over her upcoming grandbaby, she snapped at me.
    “You know, if you want a baby, maybe you should do something about it.”
    And then she walked out of the room.
    It was one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me.

    I guess what I’m saying is that it isn’t easy, but you aren’t alone. People don’t understand the sadness, the despair, the anger, the jealousy. They think we’re being petty and cruel and rude when we don’t hang on their every word and squeal with glee when we hear the “good” news. Praying that God continues to guard your heart and mind as you wait for your baby bird.

  24. I lost one of my best friends to this very thing. Eight years ago she was my matron-of-honor. When she became pregnant with her third, I tried to be supportive, but (as friends do) she vented to me throughout her pregnancy. Every time she would tell me “I’m tired of being sick” or “My back hurts” or (and this was the worst!) “The timing couldn’t be worse,” it was like a direct stab to the heart. Eventually, I distanced myself because I couldn’t handle it.

    Fast-forward five years, and we are like strangers when we get together. I have since apologized for being jealous, and she has forgiven me–repeatedly–but our once sisterly relationship is now damaged beyond repair–even now that I have a three-year-old of my own.

    My reaction to my brother’s first child was even worse. They had been married about three months when my sister-in-law discovered her pregnancy. The conversation went something like this:
    “Have you been to the doctor yet to confirm it?”
    “No. That is on Monday.”
    “Well, tell me when you’re absolutely sure, because as far as I am concerned, the test you are showing me is a false positive.”
    That Christmas, I got to sit there and watch her package after package of maternity clothes and baby toys. I got to watch her bond with my mom over baby shopping–after I had been married for five years and trying for four to have my own. And when my mom caught me being snarky as she gushed (yet again) over her upcoming grandbaby, she snapped at me.
    “You know, if you want a baby, maybe you should do something about it.”
    And then she walked out of the room.
    It was one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me.

    I guess what I’m saying is that it isn’t easy, but you aren’t alone. People don’t understand the sadness, the despair, the anger, the jealousy. They think we’re being petty and cruel and rude when we don’t hang on their every word and squeal with glee when we hear the “good” news. Praying that God continues to guard your heart and mind as you wait for your baby bird.

  25. Such a lovely and inspiring post! Envy is such a hard thing, and I’ve never felt it as hard and as viscerally as I have during this journey to baby. Your process of making peace with it is so wonderful. xo

    1. Thank you Alexis. It wasn’t easy getting to hat place of peace. It was a lot of seeking after Gods heart and choosing joy and believing in His word. If I don’t have hope and I don’t engage my faith while on this journey, I could possibly turn into a hopeless and bitter prude. Lol!! Thanks for reading! Xo

  26. Oohh, I can so relate to this. A friend of mine recently announced on FB that she was expecting twins- which will bring her to 5 kids. (No fertility treatments). The first thing that popped in my mind was “Why does she get 5 when I can’t even have 1?” It’s so hard. Thanks for pointing me back towards God’s promises. I need every reminder I can get.

    1. God has a beautiful plan and story for your life too. Just keep trusting Him and letting Him lead you. Xoxo

  27. IF can make you feel such negative emotions. Love how you overcome those feelings and turn into positive belief. You truly deserve to get that baby bird! Xx

    1. Thanks sugars! It wasn’t so much the words, but the feeling the Holy Spirit gave me when He spoke this verse to me. It is really hard to explain.

      2. It’s just so hard to describe feelings sometimes too :/ Hoping you have a great weekend with your special kitty! I have two cats and would love another kitty but the hubby would NOT agree! haha! He has a “one only” pet rule inside the house and I already have two. bhahaha. I’m a rule breaker! lol

      3. haha the one pet rule worked really well for him!! I’m so in love with my kitty! way more than I would have expected. Yesterday I was telling my husband that I now wonder why I didn’t get a kitten before. I answered myself saying that it was the destiny I’d have to wait for her because she’s my kitty. He’s getting worried about my mental health… 😉

  29. Oh my. I needed to hear His word and yours today. We are really really fortuante that you are writing about your feelings and thoughts, never doubt that it makes an impact and is a blessing to so many people. I am half a world away but I heard you and God’s message and am humbled by it.

    1. Awe thank you for your words of support and encouragement. I am glad God is using this blog and my journey to help spread hope and encouragement to others.

  30. Even though our beliefs are so drastically different, I love reading your blog to hear how you reason your way through the trials of IF. It’s such a step outside my comfort zone that I usually walk away with a dual perspective, so thanks for that!

    1. That’s awesome! I also enjoy reading other blogs from people who have different views 🙂 I hope you have a great weekend! xo

  31. I want to reach through my computer screen and HUG you so tight. Thank you for sharing! It’s just what I needed to hear at just the right time!

    Just this week a friend told me via text that she had changed her mind and thought she wanted to have kids. My mind immediately jumped to “crap – she’ll get pregnant before I do and I’ll have to watch her through her entire pregnancy” Selfishly she’s my only friend who didn’t want to have kids and I felt safe with her. My “go-to friend” when I wanted to get away from all things baby.

    I stewed on it for a few days. And then the other morning, while out in my garden, I heard the words “be happy for her. The two of you might be pregnant at the same time” And almost instantly I was at peace with it.

    Thanks again for sharing so much with all of us!

    1. Oh how I love when the Holy Spirt speaks to us! Obey and be happy 😉 blessings always come with obedience. Xoxox

  33. I really appreciate your honesty about those ugly envious feelings. 🙂 This week I was feeling horribly envious of a relative who has a lot more support from family and friends than I do. I was bitter, and I knew it was wrong, and that I should be happy for her, but it was a huge battle. I didn’t know about that promise in Zechariah, and it is a huge encouragement.

  34. It is so hard to see someone else receive the gift you have been waiting for. God does have HIS PLAN for you. We don’t know what it is, we may have to wait until we see Him. (Then what will it matter?) Only faith in His greatness will sustain you and thankful prayers for what you already have will cover you with happiness.

  35. This is such a great post hon! I can’t tell you how many times I have had conversations with God and asked why. It’s so hard not to, but He will bless us and take care of us too. He will! Hugs girl <3

  37. Loved what you wrote about quality vs quantity, such a good point. I find that comparing myself to others brings out the worst in me. Why them and not me is just an unfair question that we don’t usually get the answer to till much later when we’re ready for the truth. And goodness, 7 announcements in one week- that is overwhelming. You are a peach always, Elisha!

    1. yes girl! Seven! I was being tested fo’ sho and I’m not so sure I passed :/ Love you sugarpants!! xoxox

    1. we are all a work in progress so it’s okay 🙂 What is not okay, knowing you are a work in progress and refusing to progress 🙂 Have a great weekend!

  39. No doubt about it, I was led to find your blog this evening by our faithful, loving God. My husband & I have been married for 13 years & have conceived only once as I have struggled with PCOS. We found out the day after Valentine’s Day 2013 that we were expecting &, needless to say, we were absolutely ecstatic. I miscarried that pregnancy & here we are a year & a half later (& several rounds of Clomid & Progesterone supplements later), still experiencing the stinging emptiness month after month brought on by negative pregnancy tests . It seems everyone around us is getting pregnant & I find myself avoiding them like the plague. This blog post really spoke to me & I really needed to be reminded that God’s timing is perfect & He is faithful. I will prayerfully continue to wait for our little blessing (we know he/she is coming) while praising His name. Thank you for sharing your journey & encouraging those of us traveling similar roads. Thank you.

    1. Lah, I am so glad you found my blog as I too believe it was not by accident. God is bigger than PCOS! He is bigger than anything the enemy will throw at you and His word says that you are more than a conqueror through Jesus. You have already won this battle and God wants you to see it with your eyes of faith and believe it. Keep speaking out loud daily to the enemy that He is defeated and that your God has won this fight and you will be a joyful mother of children (Psalm 113:9). God’s word is alive and powerful and I encourage you to keep speaking it every day. If you need anything at all, do not hesitate to email me at 10hopeingod@gmail.com 🙂

  40. Such an amazing post! My heart aches for a child and your post hits home with so many of my feelings! You will continue to be in my prayers!!

    1. Thank you so much for your prayers! I have stopped to pray for you right now as well. I pray that 2015 will be the year in which your deepest hearts desire is fulfilled. Happy New Year!

  41. I have been praying for twins. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it and I don’t even know if it is a God-given desire or a self-initiated thing but I just feel so strongly about twins. I had a dream that (I think) was from God, telling me the gender and number of children I will have and in the dream, it seemed that two of them were twins. It’s hard to explain without telling you the entire dream, but anyway… just reading your post and randomly wanted to share that. But I hope that my feelings are really from God, because they are so strong! I just believe twins are in my future. I hope I’m right!

    1. Oh I just love this! And if God has placed that desire in your heart for twins (which all you need to do is ask Him) then rest assured that He will fulfill it. Never give up on prayer and know that I am praying for you right now as well. xo

      1. Thanks Elisha! I DO ask God but have trouble hearing his response lol. Anyway we have been dealing with infertility and it’s been so tough, but sometimes in the midst of it all I just get this feeling like I’m being prepared for the type of children I will be raising. I don’t even know what that means right now but… I don’t know lol. Thank you for your prayers!

      2. I think those feelings you have, is Him talking. So keep believing sugars! And I can’t wait for the day you tell me your desires are being fulfilled. It’s going to happen if He said it 🙂 xo

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