It’s a Roller Coaster Ride

I like details, planning, organizing, and being in complete control, especially when there is a problem that needs “fixin”.  This innate drive to “take control” and “do something” often leaves me worn out! The constant planning, rationalizing, thinking, and “doing” makes me stressed, tired, and cranky.  I might lash out at others for no apparent reason and I toss and turn at night, unable to sleep because my mind is constantly racing on my need to stay in control and think of what I need to do next in order to fix it.   Despite all of this stress, the thought of giving up control causes me to shudder!  I realize that I could relinquish my control and the problem to another person, therefore releasing the burden and responsibility, but I usually don’t trust anyone else.  I don’t have confidence that they will do it right or the way I want it done, therefore I hold on tight to the problem.  In fact, I hold onto it so tight, my knuckles will start to turn white.  There have been situations in which I did give up control, only to snatch it right back because I didn’t like how he or she was doing it.  Are there any other control freaks out there?

funny roller coasterMaybe that’s what you’re experiencing with God–not trusting Him enough to completely let go of your problems and allowing Him to be in control.  I will never forget the day God asked me to “let go” of the white knuckle grip I had on my infertility.  I was terrified!   It was like being on a 450 foot drop roller coaster and slowly climbing my way up the steep hill and seeing the ground below me inching away…a sudden silence loomed in the air…my stomach was in my throat and my thoughts were all jumbled with fear, excitement, worry, and nervousness…

As I sat at the top of the roller coaster, about to make my stomach dropping decent into God’s arms, I remember thinking that I couldn’t do it.  I needed to just try “one more thing”.  I had more confidence in my ability than I did in God’s ability.  How ridiculous is that thought?  I knew I needed to get over my fear of what would happen if I wasn’t in control and I knew I needed to trust that His way was better, but I couldn’t.  What if He didn’t catch me?  What if letting go of my control meant my dream of becoming a mother would eventually die?  Who would protect my dream if I’m not the one holding onto it?  What if He made me wait five more years? I was able to trust God with my family, health, and finances, but could I trust Him with my dreams?  Could I give Him everything?  I knew in my head that God could be trusted with everything, but my heart was singing a different tune.

It was because of this difference that I realized for my own spiritual growth, I needed to let go.  I needed to know in my heart and not just in my head that God could be trusted with everything.  I needed to know that He would protect my dreams and flood me with feelings of peace and hope as I stepped into the unknown.  I needed to let go and let God, so I took that free-falling drop into His arms…

O LORD, I give my life to you. ~Psalm 25:1 (NLT)

And after the big drop I thought the hard part was over; but now I find myself traveling through the underground tunnel of the roller coaster ride in which visibility has been reduced to zero.  I have no way of knowing what twists and turns are up ahead. I have NO control over how or when I will get pregnant.  But even though I don’t like it and I can’t see, I am enjoying this thrill ride!  My hands are up in the air, my hair is going crazy, and I have a sense of freedom that is unexplainable.  I have also learned to believe and trust that God is working on my behalf (even now as I type this) to bring blessings into my life.  I don’t need to see His hand at work or know when or how He will do it.  I just need to concentrate and focus on trusting Him in the dark…with my faith.  Don’t get me wrong, there are some twists and turns on this ride in which I’m screaming so loud my voice is hoarse, but just like any other roller coaster ride, I get past that “scary” part and start laughing again.

Letting go has taught me to embrace the idea that maybe God wants me to mature as a wife, friend, and daughter before He answers my prayers for a baby.  Maybe, I am not the “perfect” Christian I thought I was and He is wanting to strengthen my faith, mature my relationship with Him, and teach me patience.  Maybe I still need to learn what it is to truly trust Him and rest in His peace.   Maybe He is teaching me to persevere through adversity because He see’s something up ahead that I can’t see?  Maybe He is using this season of waiting to create a sense of impossibility and set the scene for a miracle that will glorify Him…?  Maybe, just maybe, He has more in store for me than “just a baby”…?  Ephesians 3:20 says that God wants to give us abundantly and exceedingly more than what we ask for–I am asking for a baby, for Him to redeem the outcome of my infertility; but maybe His plans include not only redeeming the outcome of my infertility, but the whole season.  The only way I can get His best, obtain ALL that He has for me, is to surrender and let go of my plans, and trust in His plans.

I have often talked in previous posts about how God moves suddenly in our lives and I believe that just like all roller coaster rides, this train will come to a sudden stop and the adventure will be over.  I know that I will climb out of my seat, legs shaking, and my head spinning because of all the wonderful blessings God bestowed upon me along the way.  I have faith that He is going turn this crazy roller coaster ride of infertility into an amazing experience that will make for an awesome testimony, which will honor and glorify Him.

What is it you need to surrender?  Letting go and taking that first plunge into His arms takes a tremendous act of courage because it seems counter intuitive.  It requires saying “no” to our path, and “yes” to humility and patience.  It means dying to the part that wants to push, wants to control, and to have our way–now!  It means saying “yes” to God’s implicit questions: Will you wait for Me?  Will you surrender your idea of “best” for My best?  Will you let go of your “perfect timing” for My perfect timing?

I realize that you can’t ever take that first drop into the arms of someone you don’t know or trust. Therefore, I encourage you to get to know the goodness of God’s character. He is loving, merciful, faithful, compassionate, and He wants to bless you more than you even want to be blessed.  He is not only a promise maker, but also a promise keeper.  Once you believe in these truths, choosing to trust Him, in the midst of uncertainty, will become easier.  It will also enable you to see yourself claiming the promise that He is already at work and transforming His best plans for you into reality.  Don’t be afraid as you sit at the top of the roller coaster looking down at the people who look like ants…go ahead, put your hands up in the air, and start screaming for joy in the freedom you have just found by letting go.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

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35 thoughts on “It’s a Roller Coaster Ride

  1. You’re pictures kill me! I love them! You are a hoot Elisha! Besides the pictures, this post really spoke to me. You are so so brave to let go and venture into the unknown. In my head I know God can and does perform miracles without any help from me, I know I can’t fail if I am trusting completely in God, but I feel torn sometimes not knowing what pleases Him and maybe I’m putting too much faith in the doctors or procedures, etc. I have found that there are many times where I feel its in His plan to pursue a certain option and when it doesn’t turn out like I envisioned, I start to question whether I truly was on the right path (if that makes sense) For me, right now its difficult to determine if failure means “no” or failure means “keep persevering in this way.” Thank you for the encouragement friend! Lots of Love to you!

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    • oh yes I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I actually was talking to someone several months ago about this and she simply looked at me and said, “God is not a God of confusion.” She was referring to 1 Cor 14:33. I went home and chewed on that one for a bit. I realized that if I am confused…then my brain, my intellect is getting in the way too much. God never wants us to be confused about His path or plans. He wants us to always be at peace. Therefore from that point on, if I have doubts, confusion, no peace about something, I don’t do anything. I wait and continue praying until I have 100% peace about whatever it is I was first confused about.

      I love the story in Matthew 8:5-13 when the Roman Centurion demonstrated such great faith. Even Jesus was astonished of his belief and as a result, his servant was healed that very hour. I tell you this story because I believe that yes God could bring children into our lives though medical science, but I also believe that if you choose to not seek medical science, He will see your “great faith” and reward by granting your request as well (in His timing of course). I seriously doubt if you put all your chips in just waiting and doing nothing medically because you are trusting God that He won’t bless you. He won’t look down on you and see your faith and not reward you for you it. Make sense? Like I said, everyone’s journey is different and everyone’s ability to believe through faith is different and God will always meet us where we are at. Thank goodness! 🙂

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  2. I hear your pain, and need for control as they are my issues. I also know God is real and that he allows us to be real in our pain. We are not to wallow in the pain but obey and move on… acknowledge it as real-even our Lord on the cross cried out Why hast thou forsaken me… and Jesus followed through with what was asked of him…

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  3. My goodness, reading that was like reading a part of my life. Mega control freak over here and letting go was so hard to do. Choosing to not date and just focus on raising my son, and choosing to be celibate the past 10 years has been difficult. especially when everyone keeps directing me to christian dating sites, telling me I should put myself out there. I have to remind myself that when I pray It’s not about my will but his. It’s about his timing and being still in his presence. Which is so hard to do these days 🙂
    Thank you sharing this and for reminding me that he is in control, better things are waiting at the end of this turbulent ride! God bless 🙂

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  4. Letting go really is the HARDEST thing to do. It shouldn’t be since we “know” that God’s plans are so much bigger and better than ours. What a blessing that you’ve learned – and continue to learn – to give it all to the Lord!

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  5. Loved this post. Thanks for sharing. It’s true that we need to just let go and trust God for the outcome. And when we know that God really, truly only wants the absolute best for us, it is so much easier to let go.

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  6. Preach it sister!! 😀
    None of this sounded familiar though … Well … Ok, maybe the control freak part, but only maybe 😉
    Jokes … It was like you were in my head! God is so good, that when we get vulnerable, we allow others the opportunity to grow, as well as ourselves. I love that about God!!
    Let’s learn to walk in honesty and transparency, and perhaps He has growth and more of Him for all of us??!!
    Thanks for starting the trend.
    Need to go let go of some stuff right now … And not be His assistant any longer!! Whoops, sorry God, I really thought, in my arrogance and pride, I thought I could do it a better job than you 😦
    Bless you for encouraging us all with this blog.

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  7. Awesome post. I’m dealing with this right now in my life as we are in a place of decision making. I’m a control freak and I hate change. I like to be in control of everything and like to see everything planned out accordingly. I feel like God is putting me into a place that’s quite uncomfortable and asking me to do the same thing – to trust Him. It’s easy to say and to throw the phrase around, “Yeah I trust God.” But to live in complete surrender to Him is beautiful yet terrifying. More and more I feel He is calling me to let go and trust Him, your post is confirmation of that. Thanks!

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    • Oh I am so glad it has helped you out 🙂 We can never go wrong when we throw our hands up in the air and say, “God, I trust you!” HE will always, always take good care of us when our trust, faith, and hope is in Him. 🙂 xo

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  8. I don’t know how to completely let go. I am always striving to do the most, the best I can to help reach my vision, and see myself working in tandem with God, with Source, to move toward baby. But you are describing something else—letting go of control *totally*. I just don’t know how. Is it really possible?

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  9. Letting go is a big part of finding peace in this journey. The day my prayers changed from “God please give me a baby. Please let me be pregnant. Please let this work.” to “God please show me the path you have for my life. Uncover it for me so that I may live as you designed for me.” I felt so much less pain, hurt and sadness. However, I disagree that making plans for next steps isn’t relinquishing control to Him. But I love having these kind of healthy debates and reading your posts. 😉

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    • What I am talking about is when i was making plans for my next steps when I knew He was telling me specifically to wait…to be still…and to not do anything. That is why I put at the bottom of my post that everyone’s “surrender” is going to look different. For me, my surrender was letting it all go because that is what He was asking of me. The steps I was doing and taking were not part of His plans and steps for my life and I needed to stop my plans and surrender to His plans. Does that make sense? hehe

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  10. I thought for sure you were just writing about me! HAHA, This sounds exactly like me. Control, organized, brain running a million miles an hour at night with things I would love to control or fix! Surrender is always a tricky subject, and like you said it looks different for each person. The huge problem with some believers is that what God has asked of them, they automatically think that’s what He’s wanting from everyone. I’ve been told countless times that I am not doing it right, or surrendered enough. I wanna shake my fist. God will tell me when it’s time to stop or start something new. The pressure to ‘change’ is huge. I am glad you pointed that out 🙂 Being in complete surrender is a second by second, minute by minute decision, and we are fighting our flesh constantly. Love you, girl! Great post!! xox

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    • Yes He asks us all to do different things. I also think He asks us to surrender things at different times and stages of our lives. He knows how human we are and He is very gentle when stripping us away of ourselves and He takes His time with us. I love that about Him. Have a great weekend girlie!!!!

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  11. I don’t know how I missed this post! Thanks for sharing, and I wanted to let you know that you’ve encouraged and blessed me as I read it. It’s so much easier to go through something if you know someone else is also, and doing it so well. Thanks for letting God use you as His tool to demonstrate faithfulness and trust. Also, the pictures are awesome. I’m especially loving the little girl on the slide.

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  12. Pingback: “Why she got a baby?” | waiting for baby bird

  13. Pingback: Why I Won’t Be Wearing White Pants | waiting for baby bird

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