A few characteristics you should know about me…I love knowing the details. And being in the details. I love planning. And being the one to make the plans. I love organization. And ensuring all things are done in an organized manner. And do I even need to mention that based upon those few things, I also like to be in control? Especially when things need “a fixin”? No big deal, right? It’s good to want to know the details. And to plan. And to be organized. And control? What’s wrong with wanting to be the “Commander-in-Chief” in order to ensure things get done? And that they get done right?
That is unless needing to know all of the details, plan everything to a “T”, organize and take control leaves a person worn out, stressed, cranky, annnnd lashing out irrationally at others; which shamefully, could also describe me.
(Insert long sigh)
But despite all of the stress (and the ugliness within me that it causes), the thought of not doing those things stresses me out even more! And even though I realize that all of the chaos within me would stop if I did “let go,” even a little bit, I can’t.
Have you ever been there? Are you there? If so, let me tell you a story.
I will never forget the day God asked me to “let go” of the white knuckle grip I had on my infertility struggle. Because in that moment when He asked, I felt as though I had been plopped down in the front row seat of a 450 foot drop roller coaster. My stomach was in my throat…my thoughts were all jumbled with fear, apprehension, worry, and nervousness…
I wasn’t ready to let go.
Because what if by “letting go”, my dream of becoming a mother eventually dies? Or who would be the one to protect my dream if I’m not the one holding onto it? And what if because I am no longer frantically making plans and “doing” at least something”, my wait to become a mother gets extended? Could God be trusted? I know it seems silly, but while I was able to trust God with my family, health, and finances, I didn’t, and couldn’t always trust Him with my dreams.
And it is because of those thoughts, I knew in my heart I needed to do it.
And so I did.
I let go.
Oh how I wish I could end this post with unicorns, and rainbows, and a field of beautiful lilies in the form of me telling you that my story of surrender has a happy ending. Because isn’t that how every infertility story on surrender goes?
You know the one I am referring to…
“My best friend’s sister’s cousin who struggled for (insert x number of years) with infertility got pregnant right after she surrendered it to God…”
However what I can tell you is this: as hard as it was to let go, and as hard as it is to continually let go, it’s been the best decision I could ever make in regards to this struggle. Because even though I find myself traveling through the underground tunnel of the roller coaster ride in which visibility has been reduced to zero, and I have no control on how or when or if I will get pregnant, I have my life (and my sanity) back.
My hands are up in the air, my hair is going crazy, and I have a sense of freedom that is unexplainable.
And the best part? Despite the uncertainty and the lack of control, I am more hopeful than ever before. Because I still believe that just like all roller coaster rides come to a sudden and complete stop, almost giving you whiplash and leaving you with a sense of thrill and excitement, this one of infertility will too. Because isn’t that how miracles also happen? Suddenly and without warning? And also leaving you with a thrill and excitement?
Friends, I have to now ask you the hard question, what is it that you need to surrender?
And I don’t necessarily mean what is that you need to “quit,” because surrendering isn’t always about quitting. So don’t panic. I haven’t quit on my desire to have a baby. I have simply decided to leave the outcome of my desire in His hands. I no longer allow myself to walk around with my fists tightly wrapped around my plans, but instead I hold them open, giving God the opportunity to take them if needed so that He may replace them with something He knows is better.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11
Is it easy to do? No. No, it’s not. It takes a tremendous act of courage, bravery, and faith because it seems counter intuitive. It means dying to the part of you that wants to push, to control, and to have your way–and your way now. And it means saying “yes” to God’s tough questions of….Will you wait for Me?…Will you surrender your idea of “best” for My best?…Will you let go of your “perfect timing” for My perfect timing?…Will you trust Me?…
Sweet friend, don’t be afraid as you sit at the top of the roller coaster looking down at the people who look like ants…go ahead, put your hands up in the air, and start screaming for joy in the freedom you have just found by letting go.
O LORD, I give my life to you. ~Psalm 25:1 (NLT)
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