Infertility and the Fear of Letting Go

A few characteristics you should know about me…I love knowing the details. And being in the details. I love planning. And being the one to make the plans. I love organization. And ensuring all things are done in an organized manner. And do I even need to mention that based upon those few things, I also like to be in control? Especially when things need “a fixin”? No big deal, right? It’s good to want to know the details. And to plan. And to be organized. And control? What’s wrong with wanting to be the “Commander-in-Chief” in order to ensure things get done? And that they get done right?

Nothing.

That is unless needing to know all of the details, plan everything to a “T”, organize and take control leaves a person worn out, stressed, cranky, annnnd lashing out irrationally at others; which shamefully, could also describe me.

(Insert long sigh)

But despite all of the stress (and the ugliness within me that it causes), the thought of not doing those things stresses me out even more! And even though I realize that all of the chaos within me would stop if I did “let go,” even a little bit, I can’t.

Have you ever been there? Are you there? If so, let me tell you a story.

I will never forget the day God asked me to “let go” of the white knuckle grip I had on my infertility struggle. Because in that moment when He asked, I felt as though I had been plopped down in the front row seat of a 450 foot drop roller coaster. My stomach was in my throat…my thoughts were all jumbled with fear, apprehension, worry, and nervousness…

I wasn’t ready to let go.

Because what if by “letting go”, my dream of becoming a mother eventually dies? Or who would be the one to protect my dream if I’m not the one holding onto it? And what if because I am no longer frantically making plans and “doing” at least something”, my wait to become a mother gets extended? Could God be trusted? It know it seems silly, but while I was able to trust God with my family, health, and finances, I didn’t and couldn’t always trust Him with my dreams.

And it is because of those thoughts, I knew in my heart I needed to do it.

And so I did.

I let go.

Oh how I wish I could end this post with unicorns, and rainbows, and a field of beautiful lilies in the form of me telling you that my story of surrender has a happy ending. Because isn’t that how every infertility story on surrender goes?

You know the one I am referring to…

“My best friend’s sister’s cousin who struggled for (insert x number of years) with infertility got pregnant right after she surrendered it to God…”

However what I can tell you is this: as hard as it was to let go, and as hard as it is to continually let go, it’s been the best decision I could ever make in regards to this struggle. Because even though I find myself traveling through the underground tunnel of the roller coaster ride in which visibility has been reduced to zero, and I have no control on how or when or if I will get pregnant, I have my life (and my sanity) back.

My hands are up in the air, my hair is going crazy, and I have a sense of freedom that is unexplainable.

And the best part? Despite the uncertainty and the lack of control, I am more hopeful than ever before. Because I still believe that just like all roller coaster rides come to a sudden and complete stop, almost giving you whiplash and leaving you with a sense of thrill and excitement, this one of infertility will too. Because isn’t that how miracles also happen? Suddenly and without warning? And also leaving you with a thrill and excitement?

Friends, I have to now ask you the hard question, what is it that you need to surrender?

And I don’t necessarily mean what is that you need to “quit,” because surrendering isn’t always about quitting. So don’t panic. I haven’t quit on my desire to have a baby. I have simply decided to leave the outcome of my desire in His hands. I no longer allow myself to walk around with my fists tightly wrapped around my plans, but instead I hold them open, giving God the opportunity to take them if needed so that He may replace them with something He knows is better.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

Is it easy to do? No. No, it’s not. It takes a tremendous act of courage, bravery, and faith because it seems counter intuitive. It means dying to the part of you that wants to push, to control, and to have your way–and your way now. And it means saying “yes” to God’s tough questions of….Will you wait for Me?…Will you surrender your idea of “best” for My best?…Will you let go of your “perfect timing” for My perfect timing?…Will you trust Me?…

Sweet friend, don’t be afraid as you sit at the top of the roller coaster looking down at the people who look like ants…go ahead, put your hands up in the air, and start screaming for joy in the freedom you have just found by letting go.

O LORD, I give my life to you. ~Psalm 25:1 (NLT)

 


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37 thoughts on “Infertility and the Fear of Letting Go

  1. You’re pictures kill me! I love them! You are a hoot Elisha! Besides the pictures, this post really spoke to me. You are so so brave to let go and venture into the unknown. In my head I know God can and does perform miracles without any help from me, I know I can’t fail if I am trusting completely in God, but I feel torn sometimes not knowing what pleases Him and maybe I’m putting too much faith in the doctors or procedures, etc. I have found that there are many times where I feel its in His plan to pursue a certain option and when it doesn’t turn out like I envisioned, I start to question whether I truly was on the right path (if that makes sense) For me, right now its difficult to determine if failure means “no” or failure means “keep persevering in this way.” Thank you for the encouragement friend! Lots of Love to you!

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    • oh yes I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I actually was talking to someone several months ago about this and she simply looked at me and said, “God is not a God of confusion.” She was referring to 1 Cor 14:33. I went home and chewed on that one for a bit. I realized that if I am confused…then my brain, my intellect is getting in the way too much. God never wants us to be confused about His path or plans. He wants us to always be at peace. Therefore from that point on, if I have doubts, confusion, no peace about something, I don’t do anything. I wait and continue praying until I have 100% peace about whatever it is I was first confused about.

      I love the story in Matthew 8:5-13 when the Roman Centurion demonstrated such great faith. Even Jesus was astonished of his belief and as a result, his servant was healed that very hour. I tell you this story because I believe that yes God could bring children into our lives though medical science, but I also believe that if you choose to not seek medical science, He will see your “great faith” and reward by granting your request as well (in His timing of course). I seriously doubt if you put all your chips in just waiting and doing nothing medically because you are trusting God that He won’t bless you. He won’t look down on you and see your faith and not reward you for you it. Make sense? Like I said, everyone’s journey is different and everyone’s ability to believe through faith is different and God will always meet us where we are at. Thank goodness! 🙂

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  2. I hear your pain, and need for control as they are my issues. I also know God is real and that he allows us to be real in our pain. We are not to wallow in the pain but obey and move on… acknowledge it as real-even our Lord on the cross cried out Why hast thou forsaken me… and Jesus followed through with what was asked of him…

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  3. My goodness, reading that was like reading a part of my life. Mega control freak over here and letting go was so hard to do. Choosing to not date and just focus on raising my son, and choosing to be celibate the past 10 years has been difficult. especially when everyone keeps directing me to christian dating sites, telling me I should put myself out there. I have to remind myself that when I pray It’s not about my will but his. It’s about his timing and being still in his presence. Which is so hard to do these days 🙂
    Thank you sharing this and for reminding me that he is in control, better things are waiting at the end of this turbulent ride! God bless 🙂

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  4. Letting go really is the HARDEST thing to do. It shouldn’t be since we “know” that God’s plans are so much bigger and better than ours. What a blessing that you’ve learned – and continue to learn – to give it all to the Lord!

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  5. Loved this post. Thanks for sharing. It’s true that we need to just let go and trust God for the outcome. And when we know that God really, truly only wants the absolute best for us, it is so much easier to let go.

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  6. Preach it sister!! 😀
    None of this sounded familiar though … Well … Ok, maybe the control freak part, but only maybe 😉
    Jokes … It was like you were in my head! God is so good, that when we get vulnerable, we allow others the opportunity to grow, as well as ourselves. I love that about God!!
    Let’s learn to walk in honesty and transparency, and perhaps He has growth and more of Him for all of us??!!
    Thanks for starting the trend.
    Need to go let go of some stuff right now … And not be His assistant any longer!! Whoops, sorry God, I really thought, in my arrogance and pride, I thought I could do it a better job than you 😦
    Bless you for encouraging us all with this blog.

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  7. Awesome post. I’m dealing with this right now in my life as we are in a place of decision making. I’m a control freak and I hate change. I like to be in control of everything and like to see everything planned out accordingly. I feel like God is putting me into a place that’s quite uncomfortable and asking me to do the same thing – to trust Him. It’s easy to say and to throw the phrase around, “Yeah I trust God.” But to live in complete surrender to Him is beautiful yet terrifying. More and more I feel He is calling me to let go and trust Him, your post is confirmation of that. Thanks!

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    • Oh I am so glad it has helped you out 🙂 We can never go wrong when we throw our hands up in the air and say, “God, I trust you!” HE will always, always take good care of us when our trust, faith, and hope is in Him. 🙂 xo

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      • “Let go” something I have been struggling with, marriage generally, and now infertility, Lord I receive grace to let go all around me that I can’t control and choosing now to trust you in Jesus name, amen. I forgive my hubby for every hurt ,and I find grace for a renewed peace of heart and mind. Thank you

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      • Amen! Standing in agreement with you and praying over you, your marriage, and your womb right now! May God restore, redeem and make whole so that you may continue to tell of His faithfulness and give Him complete glory for alllll that He has done in you and for you! Amen!

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  8. I don’t know how to completely let go. I am always striving to do the most, the best I can to help reach my vision, and see myself working in tandem with God, with Source, to move toward baby. But you are describing something else—letting go of control *totally*. I just don’t know how. Is it really possible?

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  9. Letting go is a big part of finding peace in this journey. The day my prayers changed from “God please give me a baby. Please let me be pregnant. Please let this work.” to “God please show me the path you have for my life. Uncover it for me so that I may live as you designed for me.” I felt so much less pain, hurt and sadness. However, I disagree that making plans for next steps isn’t relinquishing control to Him. But I love having these kind of healthy debates and reading your posts. 😉

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    • What I am talking about is when i was making plans for my next steps when I knew He was telling me specifically to wait…to be still…and to not do anything. That is why I put at the bottom of my post that everyone’s “surrender” is going to look different. For me, my surrender was letting it all go because that is what He was asking of me. The steps I was doing and taking were not part of His plans and steps for my life and I needed to stop my plans and surrender to His plans. Does that make sense? hehe

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  10. I thought for sure you were just writing about me! HAHA, This sounds exactly like me. Control, organized, brain running a million miles an hour at night with things I would love to control or fix! Surrender is always a tricky subject, and like you said it looks different for each person. The huge problem with some believers is that what God has asked of them, they automatically think that’s what He’s wanting from everyone. I’ve been told countless times that I am not doing it right, or surrendered enough. I wanna shake my fist. God will tell me when it’s time to stop or start something new. The pressure to ‘change’ is huge. I am glad you pointed that out 🙂 Being in complete surrender is a second by second, minute by minute decision, and we are fighting our flesh constantly. Love you, girl! Great post!! xox

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    • Yes He asks us all to do different things. I also think He asks us to surrender things at different times and stages of our lives. He knows how human we are and He is very gentle when stripping us away of ourselves and He takes His time with us. I love that about Him. Have a great weekend girlie!!!!

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  11. I don’t know how I missed this post! Thanks for sharing, and I wanted to let you know that you’ve encouraged and blessed me as I read it. It’s so much easier to go through something if you know someone else is also, and doing it so well. Thanks for letting God use you as His tool to demonstrate faithfulness and trust. Also, the pictures are awesome. I’m especially loving the little girl on the slide.

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  12. Pingback: “Why she got a baby?” | waiting for baby bird

  13. Pingback: Why I Won’t Be Wearing White Pants | waiting for baby bird

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