Infertility Revealed My Need for God

I sat down today to look back and journal my thoughts on all of the wonderful blessings God had given me in 2013, but my mind kept taking me back to 2012. If I could describe 2012 in one word it would be “emptiness”. My arms were empty of a newborn I had hoped to be holding, my womb was empty of a lil baby bird kicking, doing somersaults, or stretching, and my spirit and soul were empty of peace, joy, and hope.  Everything I did in 2012 was a result of my thoughts that formulated into my plans, performed in my strength in order to make things happen in my timing. It was a painful year of constant doctor appointments, needles, vials, blood work, ultrasounds, disappointments, losses, and negative medical reports that left me hollow, blank and feeling void. I was left empty.

At the beginning of 2013, I had read that through every trial there is a hidden treasure, and so as I embarked a new year, I began the hunt for my hidden treasure. If there was a blessing or purpose for my trials, then I wanted to find it. I didn’t want to feel empty. I didn’t want this path that I was on to be useless and filled with void. I wanted it to serve a purpose. So I set out in 2013 on a new journey to find my hidden treasure, and I uncovered something, it was something I didn’t know about myself. My “emptiness” was a result of my “neediness.”

God designed us to have no sufficiency on our own, and when we fail to recognize our neediness for Him, we find ourselves empty. We find ourselves hollow, useless, and craving more.

Through my search, I reflected on my life and realized much of it had been “smooth sailing”.  I struggled to think of too many times where I wasn’t able to solve a problem myself or get through a situation in my strength. All of my plans seemed to go according to how I orchestrated them and I always found myself blessed beyond measure. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I hadn’t ever been in a position to “need” God–that is until I found myself on a path in which I couldn’t control my situation anymore than I could control the weather.

The only control I had, was whether or not I would relinquish full control to the Creator and admit my “need” for Him…and that’s what I did in 2013. Once I let go of my situation and unclenched my fists that was holding tight to “my plans” and “my timing” as well as open my heart to what He wanted, I was able to sit still long enough to have those newly opened hands and now opened heart be filled with His joy, peace, and hope that I later discovered never disappoints.

“And this hope will not lead to disappointment…” ~Romans 5:5

It was through releasing my control that He was able to perform eye surgery and give me a new set of glasses to see the “unseen”. I love these new glasses because I am now able to confidently see myself pregnant, giving birth, and rocking to sleep my baby bird. It is with these new set of glasses, I can boldly walk into any room and tell those who are willing to listen how Jesus is going to make me a happy mother of children one day despite the negative doctor reports or statistics. But most importantly, it is with these new set of glasses that I have been able to recognize every day my “neediness” for the only one who can fill my “emptiness”.

I am “needy” person. I am in NEED of His peace, His guidance, His wisdom, His plans, His love, His faithfulness, His strength, His patience, His abundant supply of EVERYTHING that I couldn’t give myself.

These new set of glasses have also opened the eyes to my heart, and as a result, God revealed to me weeds that were growing in what I thought was a beautiful garden (my heart). Weeds of bitterness, pride, self-sufficiency, impatience, and discontentment (among the few) were choking out everything that I once was…happy, joyful, peaceful, thankful, and loving. I won’t lie…getting adjusted to new glasses and having open heart surgery wasn’t easy and some days it was just painful. Growing and stretching causes pain, but as I look back, it probably could have been less painful if I hadn’t resisted some of the change along the way. But all in all, it has been worth it! I am free from standing at the wishing well wondering if God will do for me what He has proven to do with so many other women who were infertile. I am free from the torment of seeing pregnant women waddle through the grocery store, or having that gut wrenching feeling that came when hearing of yet other pregnancy announcement. Don’t get me wrong, there are some days I just want to hide under a rock and wave the white flag, but I have learned to recognize my “need” for God in these moments and that’s usually when He fills my “emptiness” by wiping away the smudges on my eye glasses so that I can see clearly again the blessings He has in store for me. It is only when I recognize my “need”, that He is able to fill what is “empty”…

So as I reflect and look back, “emptiness” can be used to describe myself in 2012. “Neediness” is what I discovered I am in 2013, and as I look forward to what will be revealed to me in 2014, God has shown me the word “abundance”.  I believe that 2014 will be a year of God’s abundant supply in my life.

I want to mention that God spoke to me three verses for the year 2014 several days ago, and I jotted them down in my journal. As I looked back at them today, I can’t help but be in awe as to how God’s word of  “abundance” spoken today, coincides with the verses He spoke to me last week…

“The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity–in the fruit of your womb…” Deuteronomy 28:11

“You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless…” Deuteronomy 7:14

“The Lord will open to you His good treasure, the heavens, to give you the rain to your season, and to bless the work of your hand…” Deuteronomy 28:17

As you venture into the New Year, I encourage you to let God give you a new set of eyeglasses to see the “unseen,” as well as see the “neediness” you have for Him in your situation. It is only when you recognize your neediness for Him, that He is able to pour His abundance into your emptiness.

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