“So what are you going to do?”

Today marks 18 months since I decided to quit seeking fertility treatments.  Was it because of financial reasons? Nope.  My husband and I are very fortunate to have a great insurance company that covered IVF after our deductible was paid (Our deductible was only $2500 and we had that tucked away in savings. Praise God!) We had already completed one failed round of IVF (so our deductible was already met) and any treatments that we did after that would have been “free”.

Did I quit seeking treatments because I didn’t have the time to go get ultrasounds and blood work every three to five days?  Nope.  Once again, I am very blessed that I do not have to work outside of the home (I refer to myself as a “Domestic Engineer”), so driving an hour several times a week was not a big deal for me.  Not to mention the fact, I loved driving to Evansville because that meant I was able to go shopping and eat out several times a week 😉

Was it the five injections a day that made me quit?  Nope.  In fact, I was getting so good at injecting myself with needles that I could have done it with one hand behind my back and my eyes closed.  (I never tried this but always joked around that I would.)

Maybe it was because I was emotionally exhausted from the month after month of disappointments?  Nope.  I was ready for my second round of IVF.

So why did I quit? I quit because it was 18 months ago, on a Sunday after church, that I heard God speak to me and tell me that I would have a son and to name him Josiah (I know, it sounds CrAzY) and I learned that Josiah in Hebrew means “Jehovah healed”.  Those two words….Jehovah and healed changed everything I had planned for my life.  It changed all of the plans I had made in order to build my family.

Was I ready to let go of my plans?  Was I ready to let go of my control and completely surrender my situation to God?  Not. At. All.  My flesh was screaming, “Just keep trying more avenues.” but I kept hearing the words “Jehovah healed” replaying over and over again in my head and my spirit was telling me to stop everything and trust God.  If healing my body wasn’t part of His plan in order to give me a son, then I believe He wouldn’t have given me the name that He did.  He gave me the name Josiah because He wanted me to know that He not only was willing and able to give me a child, but He also was willing and able to heal me so that I wouldn’t have to use any means necessary to obtain this wonderful gift from above.

IVF, IUI, Clomid and Metformin could give me a child, but I know they won’t heal me.  They would mask my illness/symptoms, but not cure my illness/symptoms.  So on that day 18 months ago, I knew I needed to forfeit my plans and go with God’s plans.  Letting go and letting God was not the easiest choice, but I know that it will prove to be the best choice.

I know that His plans are better than mine, it’s just so hard giving up complete control sometimes

devilHowever, I am fully convinced that ever since I made the decision to exchange my plans for God’s plans, the devil has assigned special demons to sit on my shoulder and randomly whisper, “Don’t you think it’s time to do something?  You sure have been waiting a long time and nothing seems to be changing, so what are you going to do?”  Or well-meaning friends, family members or acquaintances will come up to me and say, “I heard about your situation.  What are you going to do?”  They may even ask the following questions (which clearly shows they do not follow my blog):

  • “Have you ever considered trying IVF again?”
  • “My friend took Clomid.  Have you tried that yet?”
  • “I bet Metformin will work for you.  Have you ever tried Metformin?”
  • “I bet IUI will work.  Have you considered trying that?”

I absolutely dislike hate these questions.  I know that being in a position of total dependence on God is the BEST position to be in, but it’s not easy.  It’s not easy when the devil whispers in my ear, “So, what are you going to do?” after I have a conversation with a someone and they ask the questions I listed above.  It’s not easy when I hear of success stories of other women getting pregnant and having their dreams become a reality with the help of fertility specialists, and here I am taking my “prescriptures” and “gospills” and still no baby to rock to sleep each night.  It’s not easy to ignore what the world screams for me to do, and give up COMPLETE control and wait on God.

I believe there isn’t anything harder to do than wait, whether we are expecting something good, something bad, or an unknown.  One way we often cope with a long wait is to begin helping God get His plan into action.  Abraham and Sarah tried this approach in Genesis.  She felt that her body was too old to expect to have a child of her own, so she thought God must have something else in mind.  From Sarah’s limited point of view this could only be to give Abraham a son through another woman (common practice in that day just like fertility treatments are a common practice in our society).  The plan worked beautifully–at first.  But as the story continues, you will read about how Sarah regretted the day she decided to push God’s timetable ahead. I never want to regret pushing God’s timetable ahead or to look back and regret not fully relying on and trusting that He can stretch the limits and cause unheard-of events to occur. I don’t ever want to regret doing something that will take away from giving God all of the glory that He deserves.  Instead, I want to fully rely on God and not get distracted by “other” options that seem so enticing; but when I get asked the above questions…my mind begins racing and I hate it.

I hate it because the questions allow my emotions to take over and I begin to feel like I am facing an impossible and difficult situation (just like Sarah) and before I know it, I start spinning my wheels again, thinking that I need to do something.  The questions cause me to let my guard down and I begin to focus on my circumstances rather than the truth in God’s Word and it’s only after hearing them, that I start to replay the recording in my head that asks over and over, “What are you going to do?  What are you going to do?   Nothings changing in your situation.  So, what are you going to do?”   But that’s when I have to remind myself that I have turned it over to the Lord and that His plans are far better than anything I could ever plan for myself.

In the past, regarding other situations, I would often say I relied on God, and perhaps I did partially, but I had difficulty leaning entirely on Him.  I often had a back up plan just in case He didn’t come through.  But in this situation, I don’t have a back up plan.  I don’t have a plan B because God is my only plan.  He is my plan A-Z. I hold to the truth that what Jesus did on the cross is more than enough to give me victory over my situation.

So, today I woke up and the devil asked me, “So, what are you going to do because you know it’s been 18 LONG months of nada!”  My response?  I am going to keep taking my “prescriptures” and “gospills” and I will wait upon Him in hope because He has proven Himself to be faithful to His Word and His promises of healing.  I know that He will do something wonderful, and I am going to enjoy watching Him do it without worry, fear or doubt.  Nothing is too hard or too wonderful for God.

Often times we think of waiting as “inaction”, but it is action in God’s economy.  It is spiritual action.  We usually take action in the natural and spiritually we do nothing.  But when we wait, we essentially say, “Lord, I am going to wait on You until You do something about this situation.  In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my life while I am waiting for You to move.”

Right now my theme song is “Healer” by Kari Jobe and I play it over and over while I am in the car…her lyrics are simply perfect for me.

I trust in You…I believe You are my healer…You are more than enough for me…I believe You are all I need…Nothing is impossible for You

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging sea
You walk with me through fire
and heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You’re my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe
I believe You’re my portion
I believe You’re more than enough for me
Jesus, You’re all I need.

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

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16 thoughts on ““So what are you going to do?”

    • thank you! It is certainly not easy but God has given me strength to keep hoping each and every day. Just when I feel like giving up and going my own way is when He always brings someone across my path with a supernatural childbirth story or a word of encouragement that speaks right to me. He has been faithful 🙂

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  1. Yes! Yes and Amen twiny! This is GOOD stuff. Love how the Lord spoke to you. Yes Yes Yes! Can you tell I’m excited? Haha!!! Love all of this. Healer is an incredible song – awesome stuff. And that devil must flee! He is bringing you a sweet child of promise! I stand in agreeance with you!

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  2. You are so amazing! Waiting is so so hard! I appreciate your faith and strength! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. If we could better remember the truth, it would be so much easier, but we are human so it is easy to forget. I am so excited to watch what God has in store for you play out in your life! Don’t let those discouraging voices/thoughts get to you.

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    • Thank you so much for your sweet and encouraging comment! The wait can be discouraging and hard at times but I know that all of God’s promises are received through faith AND patience. So I gotta keep truckin’ on. I would hate to get almost to the breakthrough and then go my own way to then be out of God’s Will for my life and have everything turn out poorly. :/ That would suck! lol! You never know how close you are so you gotta keep holding onto hope 🙂

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      • We had Blue Cross Blue Shield of Alabama. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Resolve.org but they have this study of how “fertility friendly” your state is… Kentucky is #50! Lol! I wish I’d’ve known that a long time ago, I would have moved back to California!! Haha! No, I know God has the perfect plan!

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      • 50!! HOLY COW!!! Nothing like being low on the totem pole! lol! Yes God has the perfect plan for your future babies. Just trust Him…He is so amazing that He will probably do something so incredible that it will leave your mouth hanging wide open 🙂 That’s what I’m hoping for 🙂

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  3. I love this song and your approach! We are taking it very similarly and it can be so hard sometimes. I know that nothing we do will trump God’s perfect plan for us….but you always wonder what you could be or should be doing. When month after month go by, what else could we try. Hang in there girl. God will heal you and bring you your little man.

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    • Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! They mean so much to me! I know God will give us babies soon. He is faithful, good, merciful, and loving. The bible says that by His stripes we ARE healed. It is past tense…I know that I am healed through faith even though my symptoms say otherwise. I’m believing for you too girl!! xoxoxox

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  4. Pingback: One Cycle Closer | waiting for baby bird

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