Today is calendar day 48 of my menstrual cycle, which makes this my longest. cycle. ever. (I have now beaten my previous record of 45). UGH! Before starting fertility treatments almost two years ago, my cycles ranged anywhere between 32 and 35 days, but since ending all of the shots almost 18 months ago, my cycles are NEVER predictable and they now range from 35 to 45 days.
Some of you may write a comment after reading this and ask, “Did you take a test?!” and I will save you the time and answer–Yes, I have taken several and they were all negative. In addition, I always have a few symptoms that indicate my cycle will be starting soon, (it’s not the typical PMS symptoms so I will spare you the details) therefore I know good ol Aunt Flo will be arriving shortly.
I am not going to hide my feelings so I will just go and ahead and say that I am very frustrated with my body and at myself for injecting hormones into me that ultimately caused more harm than good. Sometimes what we think is a “good thing” isn’t always a “God thing.” I’m not saying that fertility treatments are evil or bad, so please don’t take it that way, but rather for my body, it sure didn’t help my health as I’m worse now than before I started.
I am also frustrated because it seems as though the more I press into God, the more I speak His Word and believe in my healing, the longer my cycles have become. I don’t blame God for this because I know the truth and that is only good and perfect gifts come from Him (long cycles are not good nor perfect), so instead, I am blaming the devil. He comes only to kill, steal and destroy (John 10:10) everything good that God has for me and now he is trying to steal and kill my faith so that I may never receive the blessing of living a healthy life and having children.
These long cycles are testing my faith in God and my belief that I am healed, but I am determined to pass this test with flying colors.
Faith is believing in something without having physical evidence or proof that it exists, therefore, I have to believe I am healed even though I don’t have physical evidence of it in order to receive healing. Ay, yi, yi! It sounds “simple” but it’s not easy. It’s simple to believe I have been healed of PCOS and am ovulating, but it’s not easy when you are on day 48 and have had no signs of ovulation. In fact, every symptom points to the fact that ovulation never even occurred this month. It’s simple to understand that faith is not based upon my five natural senses (see, hear, feel, taste, touch) but it’s not easy when we live in a world that only goes by them. Does the phrase “I will believe it when I see it” ring a bell?
The devil is fully aware that the currency we use to receive from God is faith and in order to kill our faith and block God’s blessings from coming into our lives, he will cause us to focus on our natural facts. And right now all I can focus on is that this is my longest cycle ever. But I need to stop because the more I look to them; the more they will grow and be empowered in my life. I have to remember 2 Corinthians 5:7 which says that “we walk by faith and not sight.” I’m not saying I ignore or deny my facts because there is nothing wrong with “looking” at them–I am just choosing not to dwell or focus on them. I realize that I can’t have one eye focused and believing my natural circumstances and one eye focused and believing that God’s Word says I am healed. That would make me double minded and the Bible makes it clear that a double minded person will receive nothing from the Lord (James 1:6-8). I need to have both eyes fixed only on God and what His Word says regardless of what the devil parades around in front me.
Don’t be swayed by your circumstances or you will be robbed of God’s blessings.
I am reminded of Abraham in the Bible who to me is a perfect example of someone who didn’t let their natural circumstances dictate what they believed. Romans 4:18-22 says, “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “so shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead-since he was about 100 years old-and Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. That is why it was credited to him as righteousness.” Abraham looked at his facts but he didn’t dwell on or consider them–he focused only on the power and faithfulness that God would do what He said He would do.
I have realized over the last several months that my natural facts are not my problem–it’s what I think about my natural facts that have become the problem. So as I begin day 48 of my cycle, I will choose to not think or dwell on the fact that this is the longest. cycle. ever. or that things in the natural appear to be getting worse. I will only think and see myself through the eyes of my faith and therefore I see myself as healthy, restored, made whole, fruitful and more than a conquer. My facts can change but God’s Word is truth and will never change. I also choose to believe that God is working behind the scenes on my behalf and that what the devil is meaning for my harm, God will only turn into something awesome.