No Plan B
When I was in high school around the age of sixteen, I began to have a lot of trouble with my periods being irregular so my doctor suggested I go on the pill to “straighten it out.” By the time I was almost twenty, I was getting married and still on the pill. My husband and I were not in a hurry to have children so we thought it was a good idea to stay on the pill. We were married for four years before we really started discussing even having children. We finally decided we thought the time was right and began trying to conceive in the summer of 2012. I immediately got pregnant right after stopping birth control. We were so excited! We originally thought we would wait until ten weeks before we shared the news with anyone, but we decided we didn’t want to wait. We shared the news at five weeks after my first appointment. At the first doctor appointment, the ultrasound technician stated that the sac around the baby looked small, but no one could tell us what that meant exactly…it just wasn’t “normal”. This concern was voiced again about a week and half later when I went in due to some spotting, but she also said she saw the heartbeat and that we should celebrate that. At nine weeks, I went in again due to spotting/bleeding. The technician told us that there was no heartbeat, and the doctor told us that I was going to miscarry. My husband and I were both devastated and didn’t know what to say, think, or do. The weeks and months following the miscarriage were hard of course. I went back to work a week after but still felt empty and numb. I began to read devotionals on grief and sadness to try to somehow get through it. I was not mad at God because I knew He had not caused this to happen to me, but I was overwhelmed with every kind of emotion possible. With time, my emotions settled down, and I started to feel normal again.
We began trying again in January of 2013. Once again, my period got wacky. I thought, at first, that I was pregnant because I wasn’t having a period through February or March. However, home pregnancy tests showed up negative. I was so discouraged because things weren’t working out how I thought they were supposed to. I eventually went to the doctor, who gave me a ten day pill to take to “jump start” my period. I did start after taking the pill, but it was horrible. I felt awful that whole week. A few weeks after, I began leaking from my breasts. I thought, “I am for sure pregnant!” I immediately took a test—negative. I went to the doctor and told her what was going on. I took another urine test and a blood test—both negative. I was leaking and NOT pregnant. I began to panic because the doctor wanted ultrasounds of my breasts then a mammogram. I was terrified. Thankfully, everything turned out normal. The doctor said everything should be fine. She never determined why I was leaking. I think it was a side effect of the medicine I took to “jump start” my period. The doctor did not confirm this, but breast discharge is listed as a side effect online. Then, the doctor returned to the issue of not having a period. She wanted me to go back on the pill for three months and then try to conceive again. I did not want to go back on the pill. I didn’t think it was a good idea, but I took the prescription and tried to justify taking it. I thought, “I will just take it for three months, get my mind off of worrying about it, then start fresh.” All along the way, I felt no peace about it. I still just did not want to take the pill. Two weeks after, I still had no peace and was still trying to justify it being the right decision. I prayed about it and knew deep down that I needed to stop taking it. I thought, “Well, my body may really be confused and messed up now, but I just don’t feel right about this.” In the end, I knew that taking the pill was “Plan B”, and I wanted to stick with “Plan A”, which was keeping the pill out of my system for now. I stopped taking the pill two weeks after starting it, and a couple of days later, I started my period. I was so thankful to get that period! Four weeks after that period, I noticed that I felt yucky. I figured I was probably about to start my period, which I didn’t feel upset about really because it would have been on time! However, I decided to take a pregnancy test just to see. I really was not expecting to see the two blue lines that showed up plain as day! I am pregnant! I am so thankful to God for this baby, who will arrive April 2014.
I would be lying if I said I never worry this time around, but I feel like I have a completely different perspective than I did a year ago. A week or two before my mammogram, I began attending H.O.P.E. meetings. The scriptures and teachings shared at those meetings have helped me so much. I know that Jesus died on the cross, and because of that, we ARE healed. I also know that God is bigger than our worries and emotions. He is a refuge and is our strength.
Some of my favorite scriptures that have helped me are listed below:
- But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5 NKJV)
- God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1 NKJV)
- Abraham did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform. (Romans 4:20-21 NKJV)
- Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NKJV)
- ‘For I will look on you favorably and make you fruitful, multiply you, and form My covenant with you. (Leviticus 26:9 NKJV)
- Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV)
- Delight thyself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. (Psalm 37:4-5 NKJV)